Reflections
by Ramica
Summary: A Seventeen year old Ramiela feels torn between her duty to the clan and living a normal teen life. She reflects on where her life might be taking her after problems with both her sensei and dad. Part of Rama series. Complete
1. Default Chapter

                               Reflections

Disclaimer: I deny any ownership of any adult or adolescent transformed shadow warrior chelonians.

Author's Note: This story takes place when Ramiela is seventeen years old. This is one of those odd stories that I am not sure whether it is finished or not. I could leave it the way it is or I could continue and at the moment I don't know where or if I will continue on with this or not.

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Sensei's hard look told me that he was most displeased with me, he had enough demands on him at the moment, having just recently become the Jonin of our clan, that he really didn't need the hassle that had come with this morning and was being put to rest solely on my shoulders.

There had been a time when I was younger that I thought our honoured Master would forever be the Jonin of our clan and Sensei the chunin, but Splinter had to step down for even he was aware that his faculties were no longer what they once were.

It was scary knowing that things could change like that. It filled me with an uneasy dread of what I knew was to be.

I didn't dare risk seeing the look on Sensei's face I knew it well and I bowed my head further in submission as I kneeled at his feet as he towered over me. I knew the scowl that had to be etched there. I sensed his displeasure.

" Your duty to the Clan means you protect those who are with you Ramiela. You shouldn't have allowed Aiden to get any where near that gang war."

" Hai Sensei" I agreed. How could I not? It was my duty that much **was **clear, but how could anyone stop Aiden when he was bent on being as fractious as possible.

Course Sensei would not easily accept the " It's all Aiden's fault" bit even if it were the truth because part of my job to the Clan was to see to it Aiden didn't sneak off and get him self and the rest of us into trouble.

I hated being responsible for Aiden's behaviour when he was on patrol with me, and even the fact that Aiden would receive a lecture of his own did not ease my irritation at him.

" You are the future leader of our Clan Ramiela as such you can not allow yourself to lapse" Sensei barked then his tone abruptly softened just slightly, " Any lapse on your part could mean death for not just yourself but others as well."

" Hai Sensei. I failed you, I failed the Clan." I admitted humbly forcing my voice to not choke up, as I know it was threatening to do. Saying these words were like putting a dagger into my own heart.

" How would you feel if the bullet had killed Aiden?"

I winced wanting so much to draw into my shell but I refused to do that. I was kunoichi – sort of- and I would not hide from him.

" Ramiela you must be more alert and take your responsibility seriously. Dismissed kunoichi."

Keeping my head down I bowed my way out of the room and then slumped against the outer wall of the meditation room.

I noted he hadn't informed me of any punishment I had to do to right my transgression. He'd probably inform me of that later once he knew how Aiden was doing and how bad the damage was.

Kaliann came out of the dojo and shrugged " It wasn't really your fault Ramiela. You didn't know that Aiden had snuck back and…"

" I should have expected it Kaliann I know what he is like. Sensei is right I wasn't paying attention and Aiden got hurt because of it" I grumbled irritably " we are jut lucky we got out of there alive."

" Aiden should have listened any ways. As it was the shuriken you tossed did manage to hit the bullet off its mark. If you hadn't done that much it might have killed him," she offered generously.

" He wouldn't have been hurt at all though if I had been paying attention to him." I snapped a bit then sighed " Just leave me alone Kaliann I appreciate the thought… but I'm just not in the mood." I finished before heading off. Her well meant words were nothing compared to the fact I had disgraced my Clan and might have caused the death of one of its members through my irresponsibility.

As far as I was concerned I had too much responsibility being forced on me and all I could see was all the responsibility that laid ahead of me.

Like being Jonin of the clan. I didn't want to be the future Jonin. I would be quite happy to be a lowly Jenin for the rest of my life. But I knew it was an honour to be picked for such training and one that ought to fill me with pride.

It only filled me with trepidation.

All I knew was it meant more work and more accountability in the years to come. Never mind the guilt I would bear when I failed. And I was sure I would. Splinter's deterioration only confirmed that soon, no matter how strong or quick, we would all fail in some way. Nothing lasts forever.

Like the poem by Robert Frost which said it so clearly in just a few lines of simplicity.

Nature's first green is gold

Her hardest hue to hold

Her early leaf a flower

But only for an hour

Then leaf resides to leaf

So Eden sank to grief

The dawn dies down to day

Nothing gold can stay…

And once Sensei's time had come and gone it would be up to me to lead the new generation, I was the oldest and I would have to take his place.

I didn't think I could be the Jonin Splinter had been, or even match the sort of Jonin that Sensei promised to be.

Dad was in the kitchen when I arrived.

" Rama…"

" Oh don't you start too!" I growled at him knowing by his tone of voice alone what to expect.

" Ramiela just cut with that attitude. I'm sick of it" Dad snapped his eyes narrowing " You keep this up and so help me I will chuck you out of your shell girl, and don't think that I won't either. I've had it with your behaviour"

" And just what have I done **now?**" I groaned rolling my eyes in frustration and irritability.

" More like what you haven't done Ramiela. Like cleaning your room up and Sara said she saw you roaming around the mall when it was crowded."

" If it was so crowded how did Aunt Sara know it was me?" I shot back.

" Don't even try that girl. You know better." Dad insisted " Not to mention the other rules you have been breaking left right and center like not telling us where you are, sneaking out when you shouldn't be, sneaking out when you are grounded…"

Oh great now that he started he'd never end " I want a life dad is that such a crime?" I demanded sharply my own anger reaching the boiling point this morning had been bad enough without him jumping on me too!

With him it was always don't do this, don't do that. Rules, rules and more **RULES!**

" It is when you could be endangering the clan through your stupidity and your selfish actions." Dad informed me " You think Leo is going to continue to allow you this flagrant disregard of authority, without doing something about it?"

" I'm not endangering any one all right?"

" Except for yourself and the entire clan."

" I just want, oh to hell with what I want. My wants don't matter" I yelled in fury as I shot out of the kitchen grabbing my disguise and heading for the front door as fast as I could go.

" Ramiela get back here!" Dad ordered.

 " No I might NEVER come back again, then you won't have to worry about me endangering the clan," I yelled over my shoulders before diving out the front door slamming it behind me. Let the whole clan know that I was gone. At this point I was past caring.

I paused only long enough to pull on my disguise knowing if I went topside I would be breaking yet another rule.

Still I was enough of a ninja, and well enough trained that I didn't see why I couldn't be allowed topside whenever I pleased even if it was heading on to midday and the streets were crowded.

I loved my dad; I really did, not that you'd know it lately with all of our arguments. I didn't want to fight with him.

A part of me knew he was only worried about me and that he was protective of me. When I was younger I was glad to know he was around to protect me and keep me safe. He was my hero.

Now he just seemed to hold me back keeping me from experiencing the nicer things in life. He was holding the reins too tight, when all I wanted was freedom to run. He was forcing more rules and guidelines on to me, making more demands of me on top of so much else and I just wanted to escape all of that so badly.

Our home was crowded and noisy and I longed for a life away from all of it. I wanted to be able to be normal, you know have friends, hang out at the mall, go out on dates. Live in a place that didn't have all my aunts, Uncles and cousins around.

I wanted a chance to be someone else, someone who didn't have to fight for a living but maybe instead work a real job and get money for it.

In short I wanted to be accepted and fit in with others not have to hide away because of being a creature. A mutant.

I didn't really mind being a kunoichi I just wanted a chance to be a normal teen too. I wasn't even a proper kunoichi when you got down to it. Kunoichi were not normally trained for intense battle the way I had been. They were trained how to please a man in every way, especially in lovemaking.

I didn't know any thing about pleasing a fellow that way. I knew the theories, the how to make love but I had never been able to put it to practice. I was quite sure that I was going to die a virgin.

Sure it was easy for human females to fall for mutant turtle males after all my dad and uncles were all muscled with rock hard bodies the sort of things girls were supposed to go for after all but what human guy would ever have a female like ME?

Females were supposed to be beautiful, willowy, soft full of curves and appealing to the eyes. I didn't have any of that I was a turtle. I had long hair and long legs and that was it for feminine features.

No breast, no curves, no hips, no hourglass figure. I didn't even have lips that were made for kissing.

Even Jessie had a girlfriend now; he spent a great deal of his time with her and a part time job come the fall he was going to university. We hardly saw each other any more.

A few years back Jessie and I had spent some time doing some kissing with one another. It felt a little weird because it felt so different from kisses I had before from family. There had been something in it that had been full of promise, like a flower bud closed up tight but you know it will bloom, and there was the possibility of it growing into something more.

But at the same time it was kind of awkward because it was weird to be kissing like that when we were friends.

Ah well, probably just as well Jessie was dating human girls, much as his mother had come to accept us over the years I don't think she could handle her only son marrying the likes of me.

I think Melody Scott would be drawing the line there.

I made my way into the park and stopped to observe a guy practicing advanced katas, other people had stopped to watch him perform.

I saw he had his shirt off and his muscled tanned chest glistened with sweat. His face was relaxed, his hazel eyes slightly unfocused as he flowed quickly through the moves. His short brown hair was damp with sweat but he wasn't breathing all that rough yet proving he had endurance. He looked like he was maybe twenty years old.

Some young teen girls around my age, were standing near by and I heard them giggling amongst one another.

" He is so hot" tittered one.

" I'd love to get his number."

The third girl licked at a Popsicle with slow licks of her tongue before popping the frozen treat in her mouth to suck on it.

I moved away from them focusing instead on him. I felt something stir with in my own body. My heart started to hammer against my plastron and I could almost feel my blood start to race through my veins. I didn't know why I felt this sudden warmth or longing. I didn't really understand it but I found I couldn't take my eyes off of him either.

I recognized each and every move although he was making them at quick speed. I could tell he was aware of the crowd that had gathered to watch him practice though he seemed oblivious to them not allowing the people to distract him from his discipline.

The training, the dedication I knew well but I could tell he was at peace, where my emotions seemed to be in constant turmoil. Sometimes catching me unawares.

I watched him finish then bow towards those who had gathered to watch his display. A number of the females went forward to cluster around him asking ridiculous questions, batting their eyes, squealing and giggling.

He spoke to them with patience his tone gentle and serene.

For a moment I could easily picture myself striding forward and challenging him to a match perhaps I would best him, perhaps he would best me. Either way it would impress him to some degree and he would want to learn about me and meet my family. At least my dad wouldn't be able to scare someone like him off very easily. From there well…

I really didn't know what would happen from that point, there were too many possibilities, and while I could imagine doing such a thing I knew in my heart I couldn't do it in real life.

If I challenged him to a match he would know very quickly I wasn't human and that opened the door to other aspects like the fact I could be endangering all those I loved by exposing myself to an unknown outsider.

For all I knew he could even be one of our sworn enemies.

Much as I wanted to go up and do something that would make him notice me above everyone else I knew I couldn't do it because I had a responsibility to my Clan.

I felt myself once again torn between wanting what was normal for others of my age and by my duty to the Clan, which I was sworn to.

Here was someone who might just understand me and accept me for who I was, accepting my drive and dedication and yet he was still a potential threat.

Sure in my dreams he could accept me but I knew reality was different from dreams. In reality he might reject me. Hurt me, or my entire family.

Why would he even want me? When it was painfully obvious he could have his pick of beautiful woman, who looked the way females were supposed to look. Not like a giant turtle.

I knew my duty. I knew what was expected of me, though a part of me wished otherwise.

I saw him pick up a towel and wipe off his sweated brow and face and then I saw him smile at something one of his admirers had said.

That smile made my heart stop for a moment or two and a slight gasp of air escape from deep within me.

I willed myself to turn and walk away before I forgot who I was, where I was. Walking away had never seemed so hard as it did then, my feet seemed to suddenly be made of lead.

I longed for the peace of body and spirit that he had displayed. I also envied him it; perhaps I could be a better kunoichi if I had that within my self.

I was instead at war with my self and family but I didn't know how to stop it.

I came to the lake and gazed down at my reflection for a moment before turning away.

I think I fought my family because of the hate I felt inside me. Not that I hate myself because I don't.

I like being Ramiela. I like being a kunoichi even if I'm not a proper one.

It is just I feel so torn between the two extremes of my life, the one extreme to do my duty to the Clan, live up to the expectations and demands that they make of me.

I fear failing them in those expectations and in failing I will lose much honour.

At the other extreme is what I want for me.

Things that have nothing whatsoever to do with clan life.  But have everything to do with being normal and accepted as such. Things I can never have and can only dream about and long for in that deep heartache, heart longing way when you know your desire lies out of your grasp. My desires that always have to be pushed aside in favour of the clans needs and desire to bring much honour to my family.

Because when you are ninja honour is **EVERYTHING** and nothing else matters.

No I don't hate myself, and I don't really hate being ninja, it is all that I know after all, but I do hate what makes me have to be a ninja in the first place.

Yes, sometimes I hate what I am.

TBC


	2. chapter Two

                                              Reflections

Disclaimer: I deny any ownership of any adolescent or adult transformed shadow warrior chelonians.

Chapter Two

 I returned home sneaking in as quietly as possible so as not to be seen the last thing I wanted at the moment was for dad to come after me for the way that I had left earlier. I managed to make it into my room and shut the door without being seen and slumped on to my bed, placing my hands under my head and staring up at the ceiling. I heaved a sigh.

I closed my eye and saw that totally fantastic guy from the park and felt bitter irritation rise. Tears also came unbidden and unwanted to my eyes.

My whole life was just so pathetic, meaningless. I wanted to aspire to something more and yet there was no way I really could. I felt like screaming at the injustice of the world.

I got up and strode over to my stereo system absently selecting a CD and put it in. I glanced at the CD a collection of Andrew Lloyd Webber's music.

I liked his music and living in New York had given me the opportunity to see most of his productions live at one time or another, though my all time favourite had to be The Phantom of the Opera.

I could relate to the Phantom who had to hide away because of the abject fear he would cause if he didn't. I could understand also why he turned into what he did. ' See why in shadows I hide.' And of course there was the other line that spoke so strongly to me ' A mask my first unfeeling scrap of clothing. Pity comes to late turn around and face your fate an eternity of _this_ before your eyes.'

I gave a cold almost cynical smile at that thought as I pressed play.

The notes of Close Every Door from Joseph filled my room it seemed to fit my present mood and state of mind quite well.

I sat on my bed and gazed at the poster of a green sea turtle on the wall dad had bought me that poster when I was very young the gentle eyes of the creature swimming in the ocean's depth spoke volumes to me, I just hadn't figured out what it was trying to say as of yet.

There were a few words written in white on either side of the turtle's head " If you talk to the animals they will talk to you and you will know each other." On one side, on the other were " If you do not talk to them, you will not know them. And what you don't know you fear and what you fear you destroy Chief Dan George."

I could relate to that too, I could also relate to the sea turtle for one other reason, I had learned from Uncle Donatello that green sea turtles suffered a disease that changed them, an almost cancerous thing where large tumours came up on flippers and over their faces, these tumours often made it difficult for the animals to eat or see. They always died of it.

It was often known as the mutant turtle disease and there was no cure.

The endangered species was struggling against this highly contagious disease.

I sighed and looked away wondering if the sea turtle in that poster was even still alive today. I took a deep breath and started to sing along with the song.

" Do what you want with me.

Hate me and laugh at me.

Darken my daytime and torture my night.

If my life were important

I would ask if I would live or die

But I know the answers lie far from this world."

I just hummed the next bit about the children of Israel being promised a land of their own.

I had no land promised, or otherwise. There was no security or promise of safety in the place that I called home. The sewers were not our property in spite of the fact we lived here and knew every inch of these, subterranean domain.

" Just give me a number

Instead of my name

Forget all about me and let me decay

I do not matter

I'm only one person.

Destroy me completely then throw me away."

I sighed again, this would have been a wonderful song for when I was in the lab but at that time I had been trying to keep my spirits up. There might have been a higher plan for Joseph but I wasn't about to delude myself into believing that there would be such a thing for me.

I heard a soft knock on my door and debated about answering it or ignoring it.

" Rama can I come in?"

It was Cathy's voice filled with concern and compassion. I shrugged " Sure why not? Suit yourself."

Cathy was technically my step mom. All the fairy tales had stepmothers being evil beings who wanted to hurt the child of the previous relationship but Cathy was actually nothing like that. My own mother had been far worse.

Still in spite of the fact I liked Cathy more then my own birth mom, I refused to call her mom maybe because she came into my life far too late for me to ever see her as such.

I mean I was fourteen when she married my dad and while she had the right to punish me when I stepped out of line, like I didn't all ready have enough people to do that for me, I could only consider her to be more friend then mother.

After all Cathy was easy to talk to and she did a great deal towards easing tension between dad and I. She also did a lot to help dad stop riding my shell and to back off giving me a bit more space and privacy. For that I respected her a great deal, even though I didn't always show it.

Cathy entered and saw me sitting in the lotus position on my bed her own auburn hair was done up in a pony tail, she was I knew a few years older then my dad, dressed in jeans and a dark blue long sleeve top.

" Want to talk?" she offered gently.

I considered for a moment I knew that if I said yes then I was committed to talking and I didn't know if I was really ready to talk yet because wallowing in self pity was always so much fun you know.

I hummed a little of Memory from Cats before I finally nodded agreement I was tired of where I was at and didn't really want to stay in this wallowing and feel sorry for me much longer.

Cathy went over to the stereo system and turned the volume down slightly so we could talk easier before she came to sit on the end of my bed.

" Rough morning for you Rama?"

" I've had better" I remarked indifferently.

" Some days are like that you have to shovel a lot of manure just to keep from being buried in it." Cathy remarked casually.

" You ought to know a bout that you do it often enough" I joshed lightly.

Cathy knew a great deal about shoveling manure, you might say she was an expert on the subject, she worked at the Bronx zoo after all and shoveling manure happened to be one of her many duties.

" True but that is why I know when to shovel and when to ignore. Know what I mean hon?" she asked arching an eyebrow slightly.

I nodded.

" So what really happened with Aiden?" Cathy probed.

" I wasn't paying attention and he snuck back what more is there to tell," I grumbled.

" A lot more because you can't take the blame for his actions Rama."

" I am to blame Cathy if I had been more alert and aware Aiden would have never been hurt in the first place" I snapped bitterly.

" And you are going guilt yourself over it? Maybe it was partially your fault and maybe it wasn't" Cathy insisted " have you ever noticed how quickly Tyler gets into things when he is exploring? Some stuff even your father and the whole clan can't keep him out of.

It is called life some things are preventable others aren't." Cathy informed me " You just have to learn the difference."

" That isn't what the clan says," I remarked sharply and a bit petulantly " As the future leader I…"

Cathy shook her head " Stop and listen to yourself Rama it is like you want to convince yourself that you are fully to blame for the incident."

" Of course you wouldn't understand you are not a ninja, you don't know about clan life" I bristled slightly at her; she was saying the clan had no right to act this way.

" Honey, I might not know a great deal about clan life but I do know it isn't healthy to accept guilt for something that you couldn't control anyways."  
I sniffed a bit and looked away refusing to meet her eyes. The Clan said I was responsible for Aiden but Cathy said I wasn't and I didn't really know who I should believe.

" What really happened Rama?"

I took a deep breath and slowly began to talk " I spotted the two separate gangs facing off on an abandoned lot from a rooftop. I knew enough to realize any number of them would be packing guns along with the other weapons. I could feel the tension as either side waited for that first move to be made that would start the war." I confessed simply

" With the knowledge you had you obviously were aware how dangerous it was to get involved especially as the twins were with you." Cathy stated.

" Yeah there were probably around sixty of them all together and too many risks. Maybe with the rest of the clan it might have been doable," I said.

Cathy smiled " See you are a pretty good leader you assessed the danger and thought of the team first."

' HA! Going down there would have been seppuku" I retorted quickly " Aiden thought it would be fun but he followed my orders when I said to move out. Did it almost too willingly for him."

" So because he obeyed you should have suspected something?"

" Course this is Aiden we are talking about" I reminded her " I know he was with us when I phoned in an anonymous tip to warn the police about the trouble. We continued on our rounds."

" Then when were you aware of Aiden being gone?"

" Kaliann told me he was gone and she was in panic about it. I guess she knew as well as I did where he was going" I replied " so you see if my senses had been more alert Aiden wouldn't have gotten away."

" Yes but from the sounds of it Kaliann didn't even realized he slipped away or I'm sure she would have prevented it herself. If she wasn't aware of Aiden's disobedience why would you be? You know she is closer to Aiden then you are."

" I'm older I have more training. I should have known something. I know what Aiden is like" I shot back in anger more infuriated with myself then with Cathy.

" Yes but if Kaliann didn't know I think you would be hard pressed to know. You know that they have been trained to use the natural bond."

I knew what she meant it was said twins often had a natural almost psychic bond with one another even twins separated at birth often had many similarities in their lives that could not be put down as mere coincidence and yes Sensei had been teaching them to use that natural talent to the best of their abilities.

" So you went back in time to see Aiden down in the midst of the battle trying to hold his own. Then what?"

" I didn't want to worry about Kaliann so I told her to stay back while I went to haul Aiden's shell out of there."

" But before you could get him away he was shot" Cathy finished for me.

I nodded meekly I'd seen the glint of metal and saw the gun being aimed the sound rang in my ears as it was fired; the bullet was headed straight for Aiden's neck.

I didn't have a lot of time I grabbed a shuriken and tossed it hoping that it would intercept the bullet and hit it off its mark.

 I don't think Aiden was even aware of the danger he was in he was focused on just the battle around him he raised his sword.

Meanwhile I had released a throwing dagger from my belt and fired it at the shooter then I heard Aiden's yell behind me, and the sudden jolt of pain and fear that came from him, and I thought for sure in that one moment that I had failed and lost him in battle.

I trembled slightly at the memory wanting desperately to forget it knowing that it would stay with me.

Those events would become just another nightmare to haunt me along with all the other nightmares of my life.

Of course a nightmare is all they would live to be because the bullet had been hit off it's mark instead of Aiden's neck being hit it had been his shoulder of his upraised right arm.

" Sounds like to me you did all you could. Perhaps Aiden will listen to you now" Cathy suggested kindly.

" Aiden doesn't even listen to sensei all the time so why would he listen to me?" I grumbled.

" Do you listen to your father all of the time?"

" Hell no" I said.

" Then why is Aiden any different?"

" He's not I guess" I admitted

" Do you believe you did all you possibly could Rama?"

" I don't know. I don't see how I could have changed any thing."

" If you can't see it then perhaps it isn't there" Cathy offered generously.__

_Or I'm just not cut out to be Jonin of the Clan_ I thought to myself. " Is Aiden going be all right?" I wondered. Then I realized that, that should have been my first concern and not just an afterthought.

" The bullet has been removed it damaged some muscle area but there was luckily no bone damage. He won't be doing lessons for awhile." Cathy let me know.

I was relieved to hear that. It felt a bit better just knowing that there was no serious damage and that Aiden would have full use of his arm once the wound had time to heal.

" So did you enjoy your walk?" Cathy inquired.

I nodded " It was all right" I wasn't going tell her about that incredible good looking guy but somehow I found the words tumbling out of my mouth.

" Sounds like your type of guy all right. So did you get his number and name?" Cathy teased.

" You know I couldn't. If I did that I would risk exposing myself and possibly endanger the clan." I spoke in a monotone, I had heard this so many times in my life and I knew it was true in it's own way. It was one of the many reasons why I had never gone on a date.

" Then who knows what could happen we could end up in a zoo, circus or some research lab" I spoke with scorn my lip curling into a sneer.

Cathy visibly winced at my words and I realized then I had caused a low blow.

Cathy had met me only because at the age of thirteen I had been drugged by our enemies the Foot, while I had escaped them my resources weren't strong enough to get me to safety. I woke up in a scientific research lab in Connecticut, Cathy had been the animal behaviourist assigned to me. She was the only scientist who treated me half ways decent and she eventually realized I didn't belong there so she helped me escape.

As I considered that time of my life back in the lab, living in a cage being treated like a dumb animal, test galore run on just about any thing and every thing you could think of. I realized that my life then had been sheer torture.

My life at home wasn't even near half as bad as that, compared to my lab life, home life was darn near nirvana but if my life was so fantastic why did I still long so much to be allowed a bit more freedom. Why did I want to be able just to go up and talk to who I wanted without having to worry about repercussions of such an act?

I sobered grimacing slightly " I'm sorry Cathy that last remark was uncalled for."

" No I understand Rama you only meant it as you, your family or both could end up in the same sort of circumstances. I have no problem with that, I know you didn't mean it to hurt me." She smiled " Just being bluntly honest as always."

I noted that she didn't counter my words with some platitude like " go ahead it can't hurt" or something equally shallow and meaningless.

She leaned forward and rested her hand on my knee " Tell me what is it you want out of life Rama?"

" I don't know Cathy. If I knew that maybe I'd be able to find some little peace of mind" I muttered " All I know is sometimes I just have to leave the safety and security of the clan and just be around people whether enemies or friends because then I can fool myself into believing that I actually belong."

" Rama honey you do belong here."

" Then tell me why I feel so out of place?" I demanded staring her in the eye.

She didn't have an answer to that, at least not one she knew I could accept.

It seemed it was another one of those questions that I could only answer from within myself, and it could be added to the numerous other queries that were backlogged inside of me.

So many questions and no real answers at least none of the right ones.

TBC

 _But I don't know when. All I know is there is going be more to tell but this one needs a lot more consideration then most my stories. Ramica._

_Pretender Fanatic: Ah yes, what is a regular teen and what is NORMAL? And yes we all have our wishes but what a sad place this would be if we had nothing to dream or wish for or long for. Though it is true that money can't buy happiness. It might make misery a lot easier though. _

_Rama is just doing a lot of soul searching and like all teens trying to find her path in life._

_Epic? Hmm I don't know if I am that ambitious with this. I'll have to see where it takes me._

_Dancingfae: I'm still not sure where or how far this story is going to go or where it plans on taking Rama and I. Hopefully when the ride has come to a complete stop we will have all enjoyed it._

_Reinbeauchaser: It is so nice to see that green grass on the other side of the fence but in looking at it we shouldn't forget to stop and be thankful for what we have, where we are right now as well. _

_Let's face it, it is nice to dream but it is also nice to realize that though things might be bad they could be worse too. _

_As you can see the muses have lead me on a little further now let's hope they can continue to lead me because for once I really don't know where I am going on this story. _


	3. Part three

                                          Reflections

Disclaimer: I deny any ownership of any adult or adolescent transformed shadow warrior chelonians.

Author's Note: Words in are to be considered Japanese. Yeah I know that is cheating but it takes a lot less time then translating it from my Japanese- English dictionary, then giving the translation for it. Thanks all for the reviews. Ramica

Part Three

I'd been raised in the clan and I knew the truth of my responsibility and guilt in the events of this morning. I was also fully aware of the expectations I had to live up to in being a kunoichi and the future leader of the clan.

My lessons with Uncle Donatello now consisted of how to make my own explosives, poisons and antidotes, he was finally getting around to teaching me something worthwhile that I could use in my life. It took him long enough to do it too!

Meanwhile Sensei was instructing me in the sort of things I would need to know to become a leader of the clan in my own time.

This meant I was learning to view things in a much more philosophical manner such as it was for the greater good to possibly sacrifice a ninja's life on a mission of utmost importance if it means greater and better things could come of it.

A long with that was lessons in understanding other's motivations and learning to direct the operations of a highly illegal but well guarded organization.

On top of that was learning how to detect those who might seek to double cross us or pose a hazard to us in the future, how to conduct ninja courts, familiarizing myself with the strength and weaknesses of those ninja who will be under me, time and logistics management and contemporary and unconventional warfare, which was often connected to the chunin's job but sensei felt that I ought to know all of it and be trained in it.

Then there were my many duties within the clan such as doing early lessons for some of the younger members of the clan, helping out where needed in the home either through babysitting, cooking or cleaning. Everyone was expected to do their share of work around the lair.

With all of that it would be almost impossible for me to not know when I had gained clan approval of my deeds or caused the clan to lose honour through it.

By everything I had been trained for up to this point I should have been fully aware of Aiden's absence there was no excuse for my failure.

I know Aiden and I know what he is like. I fully accepted Sensei's rebuke and lecture for my lapse.

Yet now as I sat on my bed considering Cathy's words I had to wonder if maybe there were other ways of looking at things. I knew even Aunt Karena would not have tried to ease my guilt this was her first born after all and on top of that was the fact that Karena did not interfere in Clan business.

Clan business was not a place for outsiders to speak their opinion, she might say something to Sensei in the privacy of their rooms but for the most part she knew that ninja had to be trained a certain way.

Even Jen and Sara would not have dared to say a thing about it not being my fault. They had married into the clan but their children were to be ninja and therefore any punishment, praise, privilege, or sentence for a crime was for the leader of the clan to decide upon and dish out.

If sensei said I was guilty then **_I was,_** and I accepted that it was the way I had been raised.

But I also had been raised to keep an open mind about many things that some would never accept because they could not see beyond their own prejudice, insecurities or ignorance.

Cathy had given me some thing that I would have to consider it was quite possible she was right about this, but would that make Sensei and the clan wrong? Maybe to some extent they were both right.

Of course if the clan had found out she had done such a thing they wouldn't be too amused with her, but I already decided they weren't going learn it from me. If dad found out he would of course explain every thing gently to her that it wasn't allowed but Sensei might not like his authority being usurped and he would be likely to lecture her quite harshly for her kindness.

To Cathy the events of this morning were unavoidable perhaps even inevitable. To Sensei it was a lapse in my training permitting a mistake that could have gotten Aiden killed in a very dishonourable way and no greatness could come of his death making it even more a tragic loss for the clan. While it might be forgivable it was something I was to view as my being irresponsible, which did not befit my future position in the clan.

As a ninja I fully accepted Sensei's position but now I could also see Cathy's position and viewpoint and I was trying to figure out how the two opposing view balanced against each other.

Of course I might only want to accept Cathy's truth, as it would vindicate me allowing me to shirk my responsibility_ it isn't my fault!_ Was all too easy to say and believe. Perhaps that was my reason for wanting to accept it. I longed to be free of some of the guilt that was mine alone to bear. I wanted the chance to say it wasn't me and I wasn't to blame.

I sighed it was another thing I had to think about, all this thinking was bound to fry my brain but I couldn't seem to stop it either.

I would have to think about this later I had a lesson to teach after all and it would not do to be late for it. I didn't need another lecture from Sensei today.

( ) ( ) ( )

Once the class was over I decided I best go check up on Aiden and pay him a visit as it was only proper and I really should have done it before now I went into the kitchen to grab some fruit.

Karena her figure a little thick around the middle after bearing four children but was otherwise still in fairly good shape, her blond hair falling in curls around her head. She was busy preparing a tray of tea for Splinter

" Rama could you be a dear and take Splinter his tea Leo is busy and can't do it at the moment and I have to help your dad get lunch going for the children."

Translation Aiden had to be receiving his lecture probably one on not sneaking off or being a bit more obedient to the person in charge.

Either way I didn't need to hear it, even casually, and I might as well make myself useful for the time being. Besides I didn't mind visiting with Splinter.

Although the old ninja master's hair was now more grey then brown and very thin in spots, his hands now shook terribly and his arthritis seemed to make things more difficult for him with every passing year. His walking stick, which he once had used sparingly, was now used to support his shaky slow steps. I could only imagine how hard it had to be on my dad and uncles to see their beloved father becoming like this when they had known him when he was fairly young and far suppler. I myself recall my childhood and how he acted back then and I know he had gone down from what he had once been.

I remember at the age of four he had performed a stunning sai katas, I recalled his sharp mind and the wise old eyes that could render a person humbled with a mere look.

A time when he had been both powerful and intimidating but also gentle and compassionate at the same time. A person one could go to for almost any thing and find a willing ear to listen and gentle sage advice, and most of all a comforting peaceful presence to settle the mind and get you back on track.

Now his wisdom was harder to find and even though he was still a person to go to for problems his mind was not that clear and his advice was often muddled. He couldn't even meditate much any more as he had problems clearing his mind and of course he did tend to forget things now and again.

He often mistook Aiden for a young Leonardo, and that was not surprising considering how similar they were in looks. It was as if he wasn't aware that Sensei was full grown and Aiden hated being called Leonardo and tried to avoid the master due to this.

To me though Splinter would always be **the Master.**

" I'd be glad to do it Karena" I agreed and took the tray from her before heading to Splinter's room where he spent most of his time now. Besides the teapot and a couple of teacups and the fixings Karena had fixed up a plate of fruit and cheese, and some lemon poppy seed loaf cake that was still warm and two tiny plates for the treats to be put on.

When I didn't find Splinter in his room I took the tray to the meditation room and saw the master lighting some candles.

" I brought you your tea Master, Did you come in here for some peace and quiet?" I asked softly.

Splinter turned and nodded slightly his whiskers twitching as he looked my way " Yes" He agreed absently.

I had a feeling he was trying to place me, and I didn't want to help him just yet. I knew he missed his meditating time and would often just come in the room and relax with a book for a while.

" Why don't we just have the tea in here then Master? We can sit down and enjoy a cup of tea together," I suggested kindly. At one time the only furnishings in our simple meditation room were a couple of mats and cushions and a low table. But we had recently added a small wooden table and some well cushioned chairs so that Splinter would not have to try and lower himself to the floor and back up again as it was a bit more of a struggle for him to do so.

" Will you do the ceremony Ramiela?" the master asked his nose wrinkling and his eyes looking at me with anticipation.

He was suddenly feeling quite pleased with himself because he had placed me, obviously his mind had wandered from present times for a moment but now he knew and I could sense it. This was one of the reasons why I was never quick to clear in who I was when he wasn't sure. If he continued acting confused I would of course let him know but I think he gained much more when he did it for himself.

" If you wish Master. I could also speak to you in Japanese to make it proper" I declared cheerfully I knew the Master preferred speaking in Japanese now, in fact he seemed to have a better recall of things when he spoke Japanese though I had no idea why this was.

" I would like that very much Ramiela" Splinter agreed " And perhaps later you will sing for me?"

" I'd be delighted to sing for you whenever you wish it Master. Come sit down then and I will serve you." I helped him to his chair and settled him in it with one hand and balancing the tray to set it down on the table before pouring the tea and preparing it to his likings. I didn't fill the cup up wanting to leave room for the hot liquid to slosh around though not spill over if Splinter's arms began to shake too much. I then prepared a plate of snacks that I knew he would like from the fruit, and cheese and added a slice of the lemon loaf cake as well.

It is an honour to be able to serve you most noble and esteemed Master you look in good health today. I began simply.

It is a pleasure having your company and you are too kind Shen Splinter responded.

I knew he meant Tang Shen his owner Yoshi's wife. His mind had wandered a little bit again.

It is Ramiela Master and you are most welcome I corrected with as much tact as I could. I knew he couldn't help these lapses of his. In actuality he was having a pretty good day from what I could gather. He had his good days and bad days and I had to admit he had far more good then bad.

Today was a very good day for him for though his mind was wandering it only seemed to need a gentle correction, on bad days it took numerous corrections to get him back on track.

I saw him startle a bit and his eyes narrow before he spoke Forgive me Ramiela for but a moment I forgot where I was.

You are forgiven. You meant no harm I know that Master, and truly I don't mind it happens we all forget things I soothed.

I knew though it was this forgetting and failure to recall what time he was in that had caused Sensei to make the difficult decision of asking the Master to step down in the first place. I think Sensei would have preferred to let him stay.

Splinter though was aware of his problem and fully agreed that he was no longer fit to be Jonin of the clan and it was time to step down, at least by doing so he maintained some of his dignity, something that would not have happened if the position had to be taken forcibly from him.

I was fully aware that the Master probably wasn't all that old in human years but being a mutated rat meant that his life span might not be that of what a human was expected to live. Rats only lived around a decade or less, in that aspect the mutation had added to sensei's life giving him years beyond what he would have had otherwise. Still his internal clock was obviously winding down though Sensei believed that the Master would still be around for a few years yet.

The two of us continued to follow the dictates of the tea ceremony that required one to slow down and appreciate the beauty of all things, to complement and enjoy time together in relaxation. Splinter could not meditate but the tea ceremony was almost a simple aspect of meditation in and of itself.

Splinter seemed to scrutinize me closely as I poured a second cup of tea for him You seem troubled Ramiela.

I shrugged troubled, now what would I have to be troubled about, besides every thing that is. It had taken a while for him to discern it but he had picked it up.

Maybe a little Master but it is nothing really I demurred.

He reached out with his long thin fingers that were slightly bent and crooked from the arthritis in his hand and touched my cheek with tenderness, his eyes narrowed before he nodded his head " Troubles often bother us less when we share them child" he spoke with care and love.

I knew that but problem was I didn't know how to speak of all that troubled me I thought if once I did it would be like opening up a hole in a dam and all the water would just come pouring out wiping out everything in it's path.

How could I even begin to talk of things that I myself didn't understand if I didn't understand it how would any one else? Another set of my problems dealt with the sort of things that couldn't be changed so what use was there to complain about it? Another part of my problems meant admitting that I wanted nothing to do with being a jonin of the clan no matter how far in the future it might be. To admit it was to hurt those I loved.

Addled as his mind might be at times he still had the ninja ability inside himself.

" I appreciate your wisdom and insight Master and I will keep it in mind" I replied honestly.

" Better to act on it as well as keeping it in mind Ramiela" Splinter insisted.

Before I could respond the door opened and Sensei entered he bowed slightly towards Splinter.

I got up and bowed low to him " Would you like me to get you a cup and plate so you can join us Sensei?" I offered.

" I'd like that Ramiela." He replied simply.

I hastened to do so and when I returned I served him as well as a sign of my respect towards him.

" Thank you Ramiela" he arched an eye ridge at me.

I wondered if somehow he was still not pleased with me, though I was unable to detect such feelings from him.

" Aiden will be all right now Ramiela, he even admits that he went against your decision to avoid the conflict."

That had to be a first. Aiden could be very stubborn; he always had been even before now and in a year he would be thirteen. Aiden also hated to admit when he was wrong.

Kaliann was often the only one capable of getting him to give up on some crazy idea. She was a quiet and dedicated student making her more like her father in that aspect.

Perhaps Aiden's statement and acceptance of his role in this morning's events, was it really only this morning? It seemed like so much longer then that, was a sign that he might be starting to mature a little.

If that was so then patrolling with him just might get a whole lot easier but somehow I doubted it.

" That may be Sensei, I'm glad he came to no lasting harm but I know I failed you by not being aware of his absence sooner" I said with all sincerity.

" We learn from our mistakes Ramiela, perhaps you and Aiden both will learn how to avoid such mistakes in the future" Sensei hinted lightly.

" I will try Sensei," I agreed humbly bowing my head.

" I'm sure you will," he agreed as he reached over and gave my shoulder an affectionate gentle squeeze to show me his earlier words were well meant.

Splinter glanced at Sensei " Ramiela I think is greatly troubled Leonardo."

Sensei turned towards me a questioning look on his face.

" I' m a teenager isn't being troubled expected?" I asked lightly. " I mean it is normal isn't it?"

Sensei sighed and shook his head " You are any thing but normal." He stated casually and a hint of teasing in his tone.

Yet in reality that was the truth of all my problems rolled into one. I longed so much to just be a normal teenager. Though I wasn't exactly quite sure how one defined normal I knew that there was no way one could ever cast me as a typical teenager.

Was it normal for me to feel so unsure of myself? I was raised as a kunoichi, which meant I should be confident and sure of myself. I should feel honoured that I was selected to become the future Jonin and I didn't feel any of those things. So how normal of a ninja was I?

Normal teens got to hang out with their friends, to go places, to maintain jobs or play sports, they could drive cars even and I didn't do any of those things. About the only thing I had in common with teenagers was that I did argue with my dad an awful lot.

Lets face it though when you live your life in hiding because you were a mutant turtle and your whole life and well being revolved around being ninja and living in a clan trying to gain honour how normal could you really be?

TBC


	4. Part Four

                                           Reflections

Disclaimer: I deny any ownership of any adult or adolescent transformed shadow warrior chelonians.

Part Four:

 I left Splinter and Sensei alone, I had a feeling they wanted to talk privately so I excused myself saying I was going go check up on Aiden.

I knew he was all right but I also knew it was part of my duty to the clan to check up on those who had been injured under my command. It was one of the many duties that were expected of me and it was a responsibility that I wasn't allowed to shirk.

If Sensei had found out that I had skipped out on it he wouldn't be amused with me and I had, had quite enough of feeling I was in disgrace with him as it was. I wasn't about to invite more on to me for today not if I could help it at any rate.

I went into the infirmary where Uncle Donatello was filling Aiden in on what needed to be done for his injury while it healed before releasing him.

" Ramiela you're late" Aiden mocked as he saw me " You should have been here before **now**" he insisted.

I snorted contemptuously " You should have listened to me in the first place Aiden" I snapped bitterly, " If you had you wouldn't have been hurt at all and…"

" Settle down I don't need another lecture," Aiden growled cutting me off quickly.

" If you ask me you could use a lot of lectures Aiden."

" Well, I'm not asking you am I?" Aiden retorted.

I sighed and took a few deep calming breaths reminding myself that I wasn't supposed to be here to get into a fight with him. I was supposed to be checking up on him. Besides it wouldn't be right for a future Jonin to go pushing a fight over such trivial matters.

" Look Aiden let's just drop it okay?" I pleaded with him as I did my best to rein in my irritation.

Aiden eyed me suspiciously as if expecting some trick but finally nodded acquiescence.

" Sensei give you a bad lecture?" I wondered.

" Yeah and I have to type up an essay too" Aiden grumbled.

I knew about essays. Our family loved to give these really long involved essays as forms of punishment, usually they were on some stupid matter, well let me rephrase that maybe the subject matter wasn't all that stupid but I'm pretty sure we were the only children who could write a twenty thousand word essay on the effect of manners in society, or the values found in other's opinions.

I swear I could write an essay on writing essays, you could pick the most obscure subject known to man and I could write a long essay on it.

Pretty pathetic I know! But what can I say between my dad and sensei both; I have managed to write quite a few essays in my time and most of them between the ages of twelve and sixteen. I still get essays I have to write now and again and I find the older I get the more obscure the subject matter and the longer I have to write.

I pitied Aiden knowing his transgression from this morning he probably had to do a fifteen thousand-word essay on Obedience or responsibility towards those who were older and thus more knowledgeable then he was, or some thing to that extent.

I hated essays!

Don interrupted to tell Aiden he was free to go and Aiden like most of us wasn't going stick around in the infirmary any longer then he absolutely had to.

 As Aiden headed for the door he turned back; and looked my way " I'm sorry Ramiela I really should have listened to you."

_Now he figures it out!_

" Yeah, well all water under the bridge as they say. Couldn't you have been happy just sitting on the rooftop and watching the battle out of harm's way?"

" I was hoping to you know, put a stop to it maybe talk some sense into them before things got too bad. I mean I doubt their gang war would really solve anything it is as stupid as our fight with the Foot." Aiden shook his head morosely.

Our fight with the Foot was an old vendetta that went back years ago it didn't involve us at all.

It involved our Master's Master. Hamato Yoshi, who had loved Tang Shen and his rival Oroku Nagi. When Nagi beat Shen when she refused to love him Yoshi ended up killing Nagi. Instead of accepting his fate and committing seppuku to restore honour he took Shen and came to America. He didn't know Nagi's younger brother Saki would be raised with hatred in his heart and the sole desire to avenge his brother's death to restore honour to his family's name.

Saki killed Shen and Yoshi and our Master was left alone to scavenge. Some time later he found the turtles in the radioactive mutagen that transformed all of them, and Splinter had asked his four sons to avenge Yoshi's death.

They had and now the Foot longed for our death because of it an eye for an eye; a tooth for a tooth; and a life for a life. It seemed so meaningless so senseless and one had to wonder how much further it would go on. If this was all we could ever expect out of life?

" One thing you have to learn Aiden is as good as we are we can still die. Putting yourself in danger is something that yes, we do on a regular basis," I explained " but we also have to pay attention to our limits. We don't want to get in over our heads or someone is bound to die needlessly."

" Yeah but it is different for you Ramiela" Aiden grumbled.

" I don't understand what do you mean?" I was confused and wasn't about to hide it.

" Just because I look like dad everyone expects me to act like him too! As if being ninja isn't bad enough I have to be a carbon copy of my father" he grouched, " Your dad is more dedicated to his lessons" Aiden's tone had turned sharp and biting " I have no intentions of being Mr. Perfect, or the great leader or even dedicate myself to ninjitsu to the point I exclude everything else. Hell there has got to be more to life then eating, sleeping and breathing ninjitsu."

There was a whole lot more but we weren't allowed to have it or be a part of it because of what we were.

At twelve it was easy to see that Aiden was going be a rebellious teen but then again Aiden had always been a bit of a rebel at heart. Determined to do things in his way acting too often on impulse.

" I'm not dad and I don't want to be. I don't see why everyone expects it from me either. It's not like I'm going be the leader any way" he paused and smirked a bit " that is your job."

" Don't remind me Aiden." I muttered.

I wondered if a lot of Aiden's behaviour could be put down to him trying to act in some way that was different from Sensei.

His words at least provided me with some fresh insight if nothing else. I knew what he meant too for I myself had often heard others say " Pity he doesn't act more like his father." If I had heard such comments said surely Aiden had as well.

He did look a great deal like Sensei, he wasn't quite as tall yet and he had five fingers on each hand but otherwise he was sensei in looks if not in nature and attitude.

" I'm not my dad and I don't want to be. I'm Aiden," he declared emphatically as if announcing something I was not privy to.

Perhaps this also explained Aiden's aversion to caring for the Master as Splinter often called him by his father's name, though I knew the Master meant no offense Aiden still saw it as such.

I sighed wearily shaking my head "It is amazing what expectations can do to a person huh?"

Aiden gave me a blank look as if he thought I had suddenly slipped my shell.

" You know people expect you to act more like Sensei because you look like him. They expect me to be the Jonin of the clan one day and that is a lot of pressure to put on us."

" I'm not my father and I am not going to be" Aiden repeated firmly in disgruntlement.

" Yeah and I really don't want to be Jonin either." I confessed even as the words left my mouth I felt like it was blasphemy or the next thing to it. I winced inwardly for I knew it was true I didn't want it or any thing to do with it.

" Seems to me you haven't said anything otherwise" Aiden pointed out as we entered the living room.

" How can I Aiden? It is suppose to be this great honour. How can I tell the Master or Sensei that I'm not interested or they made a mistake and they have to get someone else. I can't do that," I moaned.

Aiden gave me a sympathetic look and shrugged indifferently " Maybe you only think you have to live up to their expectations." He hedged.

" It isn't that easy Aiden. I only wished that it were. It isn't just the expectation it is everything that goes with it too" I reasoned " It has honour and to reject them would be saying I have no faith in the leaders of the clan. A ninja can't choose which missions to take or avoid that is the chunin's job. The Jonin says this job must be done, the chunin sets the task to the Jenin and the lowly Jenin can only accept and hopefully bring honour to the clan." I knew that was how it worked.

Aiden nodded " I don't have to be leader and I get to be a lowly jenin, looks like your stuck though." Aiden cast a sidelong glance my way " What would you rather do if not leader of the clan?"

I smiled slightly Aiden obviously hadn't been made aware that he was soon to start training as chunin, both he and Kaliann would be expected to fill that position. They were to be my seconds. I decided to keep that information to myself for the moment.

" Me? I'd be happy staying a Jenin to the day I die. Maybe have a family of my own if I could ever find a guy who would take me over some human" I grunted a reply.

" Well you could still have a family," Aiden announced.

" Think again Einstein. You know how little time your dad spends with you. I probably wouldn't have much more time for a family. I can't be a mother and run a clan too," I grumbled a little irritably.

I knew Sensei did love his family and he did make time in the evenings to be with them. I also was fully aware that any adult was willing to care for another's kids while their parent was busy elsewhere.

But even with that knowledge I didn't know how I was supposed to end up balancing the two. I had heard being a mother was a full time job and being a Jonin was more then a full time job.

Could you picture it trying to handle an intense battle while you are worried about little Johnny's fever back home?

Suddenly I admired my dad and how much he had been there for me in my childhood in spite of all the training he had to do and his work, which took him away from me.

Then again dad was never going to be the jonin of the clan but still it couldn't have been that easy for him to manage both positions he held especially as he had been seventeen when I was born.

I knew just from my own experience that patrols or ninja duties could keep you out to very late at night often not coming home until after three or four in the morning but I had been an early riser as a child and often had dad out of bed before five to start the day.

Or the times I had been seriously ill and instead of doing his duty to the clan he would stay by my bedside caring for me. Or how he worried when I was gone too long or missed curfew.

All of those things, that he did while caring for me and being a ninja, managing somehow to balance both.

While I was often irritated by his over protectiveness I had to wonder if maybe he really couldn't help acting that way towards me. His job whether caring for his child; or the city we lived in was to protect.

After long years of keeping me safe he was now forced to stand back and watch me enter numerous dangerous situations so I too could be ninja. He couldn't avoid it; all my training had been leading to this point.

I don't think I had ever seen it quite like this before and I knew I would have to think about this some more later when I got a chance. It might even be worth meditating on.

Perhaps dad couldn't help telling me to be careful, or don't go rushing into things but his many warning had only irked me making me feel he would never let me grow up if he had his way. I suppose that wasn't too far from the truth either, but I had always seen him as holding me back now this new thought cast things in a different light.

" I'd want to be there for my kids Aiden, the way your mom is for you. Course I'll probably never have the chance to have any children of my own so it doesn't matter."

" Yeah! You're going to die a virgin," Aiden taunted. He had heard me say that once or twice and every once in awhile he would tease me about it.

Though I didn't find it very funny!

I was surrounded by people in love who cared for each other and it hurt knowing I would probably never feel what it was like for myself, it hurt knowing I would probably never know the joys or pains that came with being a parent.

I was supposed to be kunoichi I ought to know these things course I was kind of glad my family skipped that part of training and said that it was something special that I ought to give to someone I loved and wanted to share my life with. If they trained me in it, then it would be rather revolting when you got down to it.

Still I wanted to know what it was like to be loved so much to share that special act with someone and I knew that it would probably never happen in my lifetime.

Aiden and Kali might have no problems attracting someone in that way. It was known in the clan that Kali's looks could break hearts.

" Yeah cuz but at least I won't die from being a baka you know" I retorted my charitable mood towards him coming to an end " And you keep going the way that you have been and that is how you will die. You almost died today," I reminded him sharply.

Aiden winced " I know dumb move." He admitted " And you can't make many of those and live to tell about it. I would have died if it hadn't been for you."

I sighed he suddenly had me feeling bad about yelling at him for his remark.

" I realized I should have listened and I could have endangered Kali too. I might not want to be dad but I don't want to go getting Kali hurt" he moaned.

I doubted Kaliann would get hurt she was far more careful, stopping to think things through. But his impulsive nature could drag her into things.

I placed my arm around his shoulder being careful of his would as I gave him a one armed hug.

" Your impulse is part of who you are Aiden but I think the knowledge that you gained today will help you think twice before rushing into things that might end up hurting the ones you love" I replied, not knowing if it was true or not, but I could hope " Your not you're father and I don't want you to be. You are your own person after all."

" Sometimes I think you are the only one in the clan who sees that. I think our lives would be much easier if less was expected of all of us," Aiden grumbled.

" You could be right Aiden but if there was no expectations made of us, we'd have nothing to aspire to. Sometimes we expect things from ourselves too you know."

Aiden only nodded then left to grab some lunch while I sat for a bit in the living room puzzling about the many expectations made in our lives.

How some were easy to live up to, others were far more of a challenge, some you longed to ignore or have no part of in your life and others you readily accepted with ease.

I knew what was expected of me. I knew Aiden had his own expectations to live up to or not as he chose, and I suppose we all do to some extent or another.

I realized what a better world this might be if adults stopped to realize the pressure and stress they put on their children by wanting them to achieve so much. A lot of times the children's desires and the adult's desires probably didn't match up because the child often wanted something totally different.

Like with me being a jonin, but I couldn't see how to get out of it without hurting those I loved.

If I could give an essay to the adults in my life it would be on the positive and negative effects of expectations.

Perhaps Aiden wasn't so different from me. It seemed he was trying to figure out who he was and he knew it didn't lie in his father's shadow it could only be found elsewhere.

In the meantime he had to deal with the responsibilities and prospects that were placed on his shoulder's to bear.

For him, he could refuse to be all that his father was but I knew in my heart that I could never reject the role of Jonin much as I wished I could pass it on to someone else. No some how some way I would have to find a way to live with it.

TBC

Pretender Fanatic: I don't know if any of the questions Rama poses will be answered or not. Some might be and others might not. Life's answers never come easily and sometimes they change as we get older. I'm so glad Rama is sounding like a real teen. It has been some years since I was last a teen and I don't know many teenagers. This makes it harder to write and have that believability. Thanks for the review.

_Silver Sky 45: Thanks for the review I know I answered you before. Glad you enjoyed the Rama series so and have come to accept her as a part of the turtle's family._

_Reinbeauchaser: Ah yes Rama's views on life could in deed be helpful elsewhere. A little Rama insight into how she views her life in the sewers and to those around her. Thanks for the review. _


	5. Part five

                                        Reflections

Disclaimer: I deny any ownership of any adult or adolescent transformed shadow warrior chelonians.

Part Five

After having a bite of lunch I decided I could use a little straight talk, some plain no nonsense telling it just like it is talk.

There was only one person in my family who would give me that, without the added benefits of lectures that is. Uncle Raphael could always be trusted to play straight with me. In fact the only times he never really answered my questions is if dad had asked him specifically, to avoid doing so then I'd get the 'ask your father' bit.

Uncle Raphael refused to tell me what I wanted to know under those circumstances because of his long standing friendship with my dad. However any thing else was fair game and I also knew that he would keep my secrets except for a few instances and in those times he'd let me know it was something I ought to tell the others.

The most important thing about it all though was I always found his advice and insight into the world as being quite valuable and informative.

Dad continued to insist that Uncle Raphael was a bad influence on me as he often encouraged me the wrong way causing me to do little thinking for myself. As far as I was concerned he was just a lot of fun to be around and he knew more ways to get around rules then I ever thought of. On top of that he had taught me how to swear in several different languages, he made it a point to learn swear words in several languages so he could cuss someone out in their own language when necessary.

How could one not appreciate an uncle like that?

Some of my favourite childhood memories were ones of Uncle Raphael. He had been a playmate and friend in my youth, a sparring partner in my adolescent and always willing to spend time to hear me out.

He was far more relaxed about letting me enter fights when I patrolled with him but I knew in his own way he could be protective of me.

It was just that Uncle Raphael's type of protectiveness was far different from my father's. Dad just couldn't sit back and be nonchalant about such things maybe for the simple fact that I was his kid and the last thing he wanted was to see me in the midst of a highly dangerous situation.

Still I thought that was a fairly lame reason to tell me to stay back or be careful, or think twice before entering any battle.

Damn it! I was nearly an adult not some seven year old; I couldn't see why he wouldn't treat me like it.

I was seventeen and a trained ninja handling life and death situations almost every night of my life in some way or another and yet dad seemed to continue to view me as his ' little girl' instead of the adult that I was.

I found Uncle Raphael practicing in the dojo he looked up from where he was beating a dummy into submission.

" Care to spar Ramiela?"

" Not right now" I replied.

Uncle Raphael narrowed his eyes to slits gazing at me " So who are you and what have you done with my niece?" he gave a mock growl.

" Wouldn't you like to know?" I teased him.

" Yeah, I would unless this involves somethin' to do with Kaida." He stated.

" I have no trouble with Kaida." I insisted because it was true enough.

" Lucky for you the little dragon has a thing for her big cousin" Uncle Raphael grinned a bit.

I think it amused him that his fiery daughter would sooner listen to me over almost any other member of the clan and it wasn't just due to the fact I was her sensei either. Kaida was fairly small for a four year old but what she lacked in size she made up in spirit and temper.

She had olive green skin colouring and red hair, which she had inherited from aunt Sara, three fingers on each hand and five toes. Kaida took great offense to her size and relished in causing all sorts of trouble around the lair and when she got mad well, everyone was well aware that her temper made a funnel cloud look tame by comparison. She more then lived up to her name of little dragon.

I rather liked Kaida I thought she was the most interesting of all my cousins and the fact of the matter was when she was in an agreeable mood, which I admit wasn't all that often she was the sweetest thing. A true split personality was Kaida.

" Kaida and I understand one another but I need to talk about me" I confessed.

Uncle Raphael nodded " Let's go take a walk through the sewers kid then we can talk uninterrupted" he offered.

" Sure" I grinned I also didn't want people over hearing what I had to say and I knew in a family of our size someone was bound to hear something.

We didn't really eavesdrop on another as that would be rude but it didn't take much for some one to pass the dojo or enter the dojo and overhear something that maybe they shouldn't. Of course some of the younger members of the clan might go into the eavesdropping bit just to catch on to what was going on around them.

We left together and headed out through the labyrinth of the sewers waiting until we were a good distance away from the lair before he turned to me.

" So what is bothering you Ramiela?"

"Everything" I said, " and nothing."

He snorted a bit at my reply " Ain't that always the way" he muttered.

" I want to live a normal life and not have to deal with the kind of problems that I seem to be stuck with." I declared quickly.

" You are leading a normal life for a mutant ninja turtle that is" Uncle pointed out.

" Yeah but I mean being able to drive, go out on dates, have a job and not spend the rest of my life worried about losing my family to some battle while we are playing heroes to the city." I explained in exasperation, " Maybe you don't understand any of this" I groaned.

Uncle Raph turned and I saw a smirk on his face " You think I don't get it? Let's see you keep looking at what your friends have, you want to live like normal people and kiss the sewers goodbye, to hell with all the hiding and fighting. You want a part of that good life you see every day but can only look in on and never be a part of" he paused, " in short you are looking for acceptance an hopefully a way to get rid of most your problems. You think life will be better."

" I **know **it will be," I declared firmly then I gave him a sharp look " How did you know all of that?"

I knew Uncle Raphael could be very perceptive and he had good instincts but some times even with all I knew about him he could amaze me.

" I was like that when I was a teen, only in many ways I was worse. I had it bad…" he sighed a bit in a retrospective sort of way.

I scowled " Had what bad?"

" A.I.W.H.A." Uncle Raphael grinned a bit, " adolescent insanity with hormonal anger."

I sneered a little at that response " Yeah right!" I grumped.

He placed a hand on my shoulder and gave it a gentle squeeze. " Hold on Ramiela, trust me I do know what I'm talking about here. Hasn't your dad ever told you what I used to be like?"

" Are you kidding me? He all ready considers you a bad influence on me" I insisted.

" Yeah, well Leo and I fought often we sort of agreed to disagree and we'd trash the whole lair at times in our battles, I'd go sneakin' into bars and drink myself into a stupor or close to it, I'd take off and not tell anyone where I was going be gone for days" he admitted " I got angry easily and let my anger get the better of me. I was pretty unhappy with my whole lot in life."

" You actually snuck into bars? Oh wow, you have got to like so teach me that," I begged quickly.

He gave me a sour disparaging look " Uh-uh Ramiela not in your lifetime"

" Aw come on Uncle Raphael it will be so much fun" I pleaded with him eagerly.

" Oh yeah lots of fun and when you come home smelling of booze your dad is going kill both of us. Not to mention what Sara might do to me."

I gave him a dirty look " You are so whipped!" I told him, " You should never have gotten married but you wouldn't listen to **me!**"

As far as I was concerned Uncle Raphael getting married and having kids of his own had been a great downfall of one of the best ninja to ever be found. Ever since he got married he seemed to take things far more into consideration that he just never let worry him before.

Sara just had to say " we are not going there" and he didn't, even when she didn't say it, like in this particular instance, he still seemed to mind her.

I thought it was all pretty bad and pathetic but Uncle Raphael he didn't really seem to mind or notice how he changed from before, so he didn't see any problem with it.

Love I realized could do funny things to people and I didn't know if I would ever get a chance to do funny things to me or not. I mean I was Kunoichi I could control my own self and my environment I didn't have to play a fool for some one.

" Ramiela what you have to realize is even if you did have that life you will still have problems. A lot of what you are going through at this moment is just normal desires to fit in and belong." Uncle Raphael explained, " You figure if you looked human you could be accepted but that isn't always the way it goes."

" Sure it is. I wouldn't have to hide and I could enjoy my life, I could be more free to do what I want and dad wouldn't worry so much." I told him in reply.

" You really think it is that easy? Haven't you noticed that every one has their problems and responsibilities in life?" He inquired " Karena never knew her parents she was raised by a very strict grandmother, Sara lost her parents and had to make some very hard decisions about her life and what she wanted out of it, and Jen well, her perfect marriage shattered when her baby died of SIDS."

I sighed these were things I knew about my family even Cathy herself I knew had lived with a drunken father and constant moving making it difficult to find or make a friend. Poor Aunt Jen though had lost quite a bit in her first marriage after Nicole's death.

Uncle Raphael hadn't finished though " Then there is your friend Jessie he had his share of problems with his speech impediment and every bully around beating up on him for it before he learned a few things from us." He paused shook his head " You see it in people you know Ramiela and you see it in those you don't."

" What do you mean?"

" Teens often end up feeling the world is against them no one understands, they commit suicide, overdose on drugs, suffer from stress and pressure of belonging in a group and feeling overwhelmed by demands and life in general."

I saw now what he meant I'd seen it on the streets I had heard it in the news often enough teens killing other teens over really stupid things like racism, bullying that had gone too far, street racing. I had heard of all sorts of stories of teens who just snapped, as it were, and doing all sorts of unspeakable acts to teens, adults and young children even.

Some people laid the blame on parenting and either lax, or too strong discipline, others blamed violence in things like movies; video games and what have you. The wild and angry teen a mere product of our society and what was wrong with it but no one seemed to worry about how to fix it.

" Look Ramiela you'd have problems if you were human too. Maybe other girls would hate you for being too smart, the cute guy you would just love to notice you goes out with some other chick, meanwhile the dweeb you wished you could lose follows you every where ruining your image and lifestyle."

I smiled laughing a bit at the image he had brought up in my mind " I'd just be trading my problems then won't I?"

" Yup, and the worst of it is you still might not feel that you are normal or fit in for that matter."

" Yeah but what about…" I paused uncertain how I was to continue what I had started.

" Ramiela look at it this way all right, most of your problems probably won't mean that much to you even five years from now because they aren't as big as you think they are."

I snorted contemptuously " Easy for you to say you don't have to be the future Jonin on top of everything else" I snapped.

I think I could easily deal with all my other problems if I didn't have that one. I would willingly be happy dying a virgin if I didn't have to worry about being the future leader of the clan and failing it miserably.

" No I don't have to be Jonin, but Don and I now have to split the chunin details. Ramiela you have a long time before you have to deal with that aspect of your life. Leo will be jonin for at least the next thirty years or so."

Barring any of the unforeseen circumstances, that seemed far too likely in our lives, that is.

" I don't care I don't want to do **IT!"** I yelled giving voice to my frustrations and listening to the echo of my words ring off the concrete tunnels mocking me.

" Ramiela…"

" No Uncle Raphael. I can't be Jonin."

" Maybe you don't think so now but by the time it comes you will be ready to lead and you will know all you need to. Just try to remember one thing."

" What?" I asked.

" Don't take the jonin thing too seriously hold on to your humour kid."

I sighed miserably how could I tell him or any one in the clan for that matter that I just didn't want any thing to do with the whole jonin idea.

**Jonin-** the responsibility, the power, the stress and most of all the unending dread that I felt inside me when I thought of what lay ahead.

" Look Ramiela I'm not into philosophical thinking that is Leo and Splinter's way not mine."

" I know," I agreed.

" Fine but you ought to know it was Splinter alone who pegged you for it. Leo had nothing to do with it, he is just going along with the Master's wishes."

" Why me though? Isn't leadership supposed to be passed within one family, so it ought to be Aiden or Kaliann who succeeds Sensei as Jonin."

" Traditionally yeah that is how it is done but Splinter views us all as his children so you are still part of the family, you are in essence his granddaughter. Part of it is because you are the oldest, the rest of it is something that I think Splinter just sees in you that told him you are suited for the job."

" What did he see that I can't? I almost lost Aiden today." I complained.

" What he sees in you is something only Splinter and maybe Leo knows but I have not been told, maybe it is your dedication to being ninja and your desire to live up to the code of honour" Uncle Raphael shrugged indifferently " Doesn't really matter he made his choice and you are it. Your choice is to continue to deny it as you have been or accept it."

" I haven't denied it out loud until now." I muttered. " I know I'd dishonour the clan by denying it out right."

Uncle Raphael stopped and turned to face me cupping my face in his rough calloused but gentle hands " Ramiela by denying it even silently as you have been causes distress and loss of honour."

I winced I knew he was right and I knew he was only saying it because it had to be said it was the truth and that was the way he played it with me. I sniffed a bit and looked up at him he had a sympathetic look on his face.

" Leo was twelve years old when he took the role of leader of the rest of us in battles. He had his share of doubts, fears but he tried to live up to what Splinter saw in him. Leo didn't get a chance to enjoy childhood not the way the rest of us did, but you don't have to give it up just yet." He smiled at me " You can still be Ramiela and a kunoichi of the clan until Leo steps down as Jonin and that is some way to go yet."

True enough being jonin seemed a distant point in my future some thing ahead of me but not necessarily really part of me or who I was as of yet. Though I knew Sensei had survived many long intense battles in his life I still doubted my ability to ever be his equal in leadership.

" At one time you didn't even think you could handle a sai but you wanted to do it so badly and you achieved it in spite of your doubts and fears."

" You're saying if I wanted to be a good jonin and worked towards it that I'd be able to do it."

Uncle Raphael gave a slight nod of his head and arched an eye ridge " Quite possibly yeah but that is your decision."

Some decision either I accepted this and worked towards it, because it was my path and do the best gaining honour.

I could accept it reluctantly and probably end up being less of a leader and my reluctance of my position would cause both myself, and the clan loss of honour.

Or I could just deny it outright and lose all honour for myself.

I was kunoichi honour was supposed to be everything, even more important then my own wants and desires because as a ninja I should want to do the missions given to me by the Jonin and I should willingly accept my future position too.

I knew all of that and yet still my decision eluded me I still wasn't sure what was right for me and if I was willing to accept all that came with being a leader of the clan.

We returned home in silence my mind thinking about all it meant and whether I really felt up to accepting the challenge or not.

When we got home I decided to take time and play with my younger cousins it felt so good to forget every thing for a bit and chase them around as we played games of tag and hide and go seek around the play ground. Some of the older ones called to me to show off some new move they had learned in their lessons and I cheered their hard work and triumph praising them about what fine ninja they were becoming.

For a while I just relaxed, laughed, shouted and played with the young ones varying in age from around eight to my baby brother who was only a year.

They were truly the lucky ones in the clan the biggest problems in their life was older cousins, or siblings picking on them, the occasional small injury from rough play or falling and all of a sudden, much as I wanted to be treated like an adult, I found myself wishing that I could be a kid again.

Things just seemed so much simpler and easier when you were this age. It was a darned good age to be when you thought about it. I realized then and there that growing up really wasn't all it was cracked up to be sure you had all these extra privileges you didn't have as a kid but you also had all the extra responsibilities and demands that went with it too.

TBC

Pretender: Well the Rama series just might get around to a fic where she is Jonin of the clan but I don't have any story really planned that way just yet.

_Lenni: How many parents go around telling their children your going to be a and that is final! Or want their children to take over the family business. This is really no different. We are talking Rama though and Jonin or not I don't think she will ever give up on joking around and having some fun._

_Reinbeauchaser: A good punishment can last through the years and from generation to generation. Essays are just one of the clans many disciplinary measures. _

_Thanks all for the reviews!_


	6. Part Six

Reflections

Disclaimer: I deny any ownership of any adult or adolescent transformed shadow warrior chelonians.

Part Six

I had to leave off playing with the young cousins when I had to go give a lesson to Colby and Mineko.

Colby was six and a half or almost seven as he liked to say, and he was the second child of Uncle Donatello and Aunt Jen, which meant he had the strange skin colouring that was an odd mix of both green and brown, which seemed typical for their kids. He had his dad's dark green eyes and his mom dark hair short and curly looking he had five fingers and toes.

Mineko was Uncle Raphael's and Aunt Sara's second daughter, poor Uncle Raphael all he kept getting was girls and after Kaida's birth they had sworn off having kids all together. Aunt Sara had even had an operation to insure she wasn't going have any more kids.

Mineko was a little over seven now she had three fingers and five toes, red hair and eyelashes and while her skin was scaly just like the rest of the family, it was caucasian coloured more then it was green though you could see a small hint of green to it.

Due to their closeness in age they could learn together and could spar against one another. At the moment I was teaching them staff fighting using the four foot jo staff as it was more suited to their size then the six foot bo.

They were currently sparring and Colby managed to get a lucky strike past Mineko's defenses and typical of a Raphael child, she took offense to that.

She began striking fast and hard and Colby backpedaled under her vicious counter attack.

" Mineko stop it!" I ordered.

Either she didn't hear me, or she choose to ignore it but I as Sensei to her could not allow this.

I moved in fast drawing my sai I got between Mineko and Colby, catching her staff end between two of the prongs on my sai with an expert twist and a pull I yanked the staff from Mineko's hand and tossed the jo out of reach while I dropped into a low sweep kick knocking her to the floor. Before she could move I was on top pining her.

" Mineko, I'm not going to tell you twice, you just calm down **now!'** I ordered her sharply.

" But Ramiela he…" she protested her face a mask of fury and hatred.

" Got past you so big deal! Get used to it Mineko, and you might as well know you act like that in a real battle and your anger could lead to more people getting past your defenses because you aren't thinking things through." I informed her " By letting your anger control you, you end up opening yourself and others around you to further injury. Now twenty flips" I ordered as I got up off of her.

She glared hard at me, a sullen threatening look on her face.

I arched an eye ridge at her " Keep it up Mineko and you are going be doing a lot more than flips you can count on it. Like cleaning weapons after practice and writing an essay" I cautioned her.

She heaved a heavy sigh before replying " Summimasen ga Sensei."

She didn't sound too apologetic but I was willing to let it go for the moment.

I had learned teaching Uncle Raphael's children wasn't that easy to do, I had to maintain a balance between firm and yet allow some leeway without allowing them to disrespect me or others that might have to teach them. I knew if one got hard and pushed every point with them they would fight back, so I had to pick and choose my battles with them without being afraid to press my authority with them either.

I had, had plenty of talks with Sensei about teaching and how to get the best from my students, while at the same time not permitting them to walk all over me.

I once read something somewhere about a fellow who owned a jumping horse and he had said, " I don't want to beat the wind out of him, I don't want to demand the wind from him. I want him to give me the wind."

I rather liked that and I tried to keep that in mind with respect, hoping my students would give it to me not because they had to or it was forced but because they wanted to do so.

I watched as Mineko without any more complaints began her flips she would behave now. I turned to Colby " While she does that you and I can work on your bojitsu."

Colby gave me a big grin "Hai Sensei." He said cheerfully bowing towards me.

By the time they were dismissed it was time to go help dad with dinner preparations.

I actually loved cooking and baking but absolutely detested all the clean up that went with it but sometimes one had to take the good with the bad and the bad part of cooking was cleaning up the mess behind you. It was that or not cook at all.

When it came to cooking I knew that I couldn't have a better teacher then my dad he could do wonders in the kitchen, and make simple leftovers into a meal suited for a five star restaurant but in spite of all his culinary skills he did need help with preparing the evening dinner meal, especially for a family of our size.

I knew that he had turkey for dinner tonight, which was all ready in the oven and when I had come home with Uncle Raphael I had smelled baking bread, which meant there was probably fresh dinner rolls as well.

I knew there was still plenty left to prepare and get ready before dinner was served and I usually helped dad with dinner, as it was free time for me.

I came into the kitchen to see dad at the stove just finishing making the cranberry sauce, he didn't like the canned stuff and refused to use it. It had to be frozen cranberries. Dad could be a stickler over some things like that when it came to cooking.

Dad looked over at me and smiled " Here for kitchen duty Rama?"

" Yes sir, reporting for K.P. sir. What would you like me to do sir?" I barked out in military fashion as I gave him a mock salute and tried to keep from laughing.

Dad chuckled and gave a rueful shake of his head " I don't know what I am going to do with you girl" he replied but his eyes shone with amusement.

" You could keep me, sell me or just chuck me out of my shell" I suggested teasingly.

Dad considered " Keeping you is far too much trouble, selling you might be worthwhile and chucking you out of your shell could be very entertaining" he replied, " I think I will go for B and C both I will chuck you out of your shell then sell you as a naked turtle."

" Yeah, right in your dreams maybe I'd have **you** out of your shell before you even had your chucks out of your belt" I scoffed in return.

" You think so huh?" Dad wondered arching an eye ridge at me, " Just for that you get to peel the potatoes" He announced.

" Fine!" I grouched lightly as I went to haul the dutch oven pot out of the cupboard it was the only pot big enough for all the potatoes we needed.

It was probably just as well part of Cathy's money and all of the Aunt's money from jobs went on buying groceries for the clan, and necessary medical supplies and equipment. We saved where we could buying other necessaries second hand or scavenging for items that the family might be able to use.

" Are we having mashed potatoes?" I asked hopefully. I loved baked and mashed potatoes.

" Sure" Dad agreed easily as he finished off the sauce and poured it into a bowl before placing it in the fridge and taking out the stuff we needed for a salad and a bag of carrots that also needed cut up for dinner.

I glanced around " What about dessert?"

" No dessert tonight Rama. I've got all I can do to finish off dinner in time" Dad groaned a bit.

" But we have to have dessert it is against the law, to not serve dessert" I insisted.

" I highly doubt that Rama." Dad remarked.

" What if I make dessert?" I pleaded quickly.

" If you can find something that will be quick to make go for it," Dad said generously.

I quickly considered the possibilities running over an inventory of items that I figured we might have on hand and wouldn't take long to make. " Don't we have some apples that need to be used up before they spoil?"

We didn't like to waste anything in our family if we could help it but sometimes fruit would start to go bad and no one would want to touch it that was when we usually made it into a dessert that everyone wanted to eat.

" Yeah I believe so."

" Enough for an apple crisp? If not we could add some cranberries to it," I offered.

" I think so Rama, an apple cranberry crisp sounds just about right." Dad nodded.

I smiled relieved that we would have dessert, we baked most of our own sweets and goodies like pastries and all it saved from buying the store bought stuff that wasn't necessary to have to begin with.

I bent to the peeling and slicing of the potatoes.

" You know Rama about this morning…" dad began tentatively.

I tensed up at his words, silently wishing, hoping he wouldn't ruin the peaceful relaxed mood we had in the kitchen at the moment. I liked my dad a lot better when he was joking and having fun then when he was getting after me for some misdeed either real or imagined, or riding my shell about the things I ought to be doing.

" Yeah?" I said tightly.

" Rama everyone in the clan knows when you start acting up big time you usually have a reason for it…"

I knew that was true enough to an extent but I still denied it on pretext alone " I haven't been acting up least not that much." I grumbled.

" Sure Rama" Dad snorted a bit, " You are only kidding yourself you know. I know there has been a lot of changes in the clan recently and I have a feeling you are having trouble coming to grips with all of it." He paused " I think your recent behaviour and present attitude are connected."

I shrugged indifferently " Maybe I guess so" I admitted hesitantly. Dad was the best one for reading my emotions and picking up on my thoughts, he was even better at it then sensei was but it was probably due to the fact that he had raised me and we had spent so much time together through my childhood.

" Honey how many times have we told you if you have a problem talk about it? You have a wonderful vocabulary and you know how to express your feelings, so there is no reason to not talk about things instead of letting them eat at you."

"Talking is overrated" I insisted simply.

Dad laughed a bit " Funny you used to be able to talk to me Rama, we'd talk about all kinds of things before I tucked you into bed. Used to be my favourite time of day."

" Yeah, you were finally getting me out of the way for some quiet time" I snorted a bit.

" No Rama, because I got to learn things about you and what you were thinking." Dad corrected.

I nodded I recalled those times when I was younger our nightly talks about so many things.

" I know times change and your not interested in what your old man has to say any more because you think you know it all" dad said softly.

I didn't know it all, but how could I talk about my feelings when I might hurt those I loved? How could I explain my own wishes and feelings without somehow letting those around me down or feeling that I was nothing more than a disappointment to them?

While I also valued the opinions of the adults in my family I also wanted time to find my own path and my own answers as well. I knew I couldn't expect the adults in my life to solve all my problems for me.

" You're not really that old just old fashioned," I corrected.

" Things change in life Rama it is one of the few things you can be certain of that there will be change some of it good other not so. You can stand and accept it for what it is or you can try and fight the inevitable but you are only wasting your time and energy by doing so." Dad pointed out as he chopped up the veggies for the salad.

" Rama," he sighed and shook his head a little " I realize thought that it isn't easy of thinking of Leo as the jonin now, and Splinter being more or less demoted not to mention the knowledge of your own future."

I squirmed a bit at his words " Dad do I…"

" Rama, my poor Rama llama ding dong."

I groaned and rolled my eyes in irritation as he said my childhood nickname.

Why was parent's one mission in life have to be to embarrass their children?

" DAD!" I snapped quickly letting him know that he was out of line.

" Okay forgive me" Dad apologized quickly holding up his hands. " Just remember Ramiela it is better to act then to react."

" I know that dad" I muttered I didn't want to hear him give a lecture not here or now I don't care how nicely he was going about it either. All I knew was he was doing it again damn him!

I took a couple of deep breaths calming myself and realized that dad was probably only trying to tell me the same thing I had told Mineko earlier, if I acted out in anger was that any better then her reaction?

" Ramiela I know you are aware of it. You act over reacting in battle situations but at home it is different" dad pointed out kindly.

" Dad it isn't that I don't talk sometimes I want a chance to work things out for myself and solve things on my own too." I explained.

" I understand that Rama but when you are feeling overwhelmed it is always better to share that with some one you trust."

I finished off the potatoes and put them on to boil before starting in on the carrots as dad started to make his own salad dressing.

He gave me a sad wistful smile " I really didn't want this for you either Rama but I have had to accept it as something that has to be."

I was shocked to hear that revelation. I thought dad would be proud and practically popping out of his shell over the fact I was to be the Jonin. In fact he had even acted very much like that when it had been announced and I had learned the truth.

I knew then that he must have known for a long time and had grown to accept it over that period so that when it was announced he would act accordingly. He hadn't told me any thing about it but I knew he wouldn't have been permitted to tell me and I also had a feeling that he wanted to protect me from that truth.

Allowing me to be young and enjoy things as well as I could without worrying about what lay ahead.

" You really didn't want me being jonin? But why dad?" I wondered suddenly curious.

Dad poured the dressing on the salad and tossed it before helping cut up the carrots.

I went and dug out the apples to start peeling and slicing them for the dessert.

Dad sat down and joined me " Being Jonin can often be a dangerous position Rama, you draw a lot more enemy fire that way. The Foot want Leo far more then the rest of us because for years they felt he was the jonin of our clan."

I grinned a bit " Protecting me again. You really ought to stop that. I'm a kunoichi I can care for myself."

" I know you can Rama but a part of me can't let go of those things because you are my daughter and I can't help you protect you not because I want to hold you back but because I don't want to lose you."

" Guess no parent wants to lose their kid. I figured out today you only did it because you care for me and you don't want me hurt." I said.

" That is right Rama. Looks like you are growing up after all hon." Dad replied smiling at me.

I sighed, " I want a family of my own one day dad."

" There is plenty of time for that Rama your still kind of young for that yet" he insisted.

" But if I'm Jonin, how can I have a family and be with them?"

" Then as in all things, you must find the balance" dad replied simply.

I considered that he could be on to something. I know in our family dad was considered a bit of a clown and a fool but I knew that he could be very wise and insightful, or dead serious at times.

" Aw, I'll probably never have any one anyways. I'm just kidding myself," I grumbled suddenly feeling miserable.

Dad chuckled a little " Now don't be too sure Rama. If you are not careful your feelings might trick you into thinking you are in love when you aren't. Remember I just found real love for the first time just four years ago." Dad chided gently, " Give yourself time Rama, don't go rushing into things and most of all be sure of what you are feeling."

I looked at dad " Thanks dad for everything I love you."

Dad smiled in return " I love you too honey."

Sure I admit there were times he got on my nerves and would ride my shell seeming to nitpick over any little thing but then there were times when we would talk and joke around with one another and during those times I knew I loved him very much.

I knew in the thick of any fight any hard feelings were quickly forgotten. He'd help me out or I would help him. And I knew deep in my heart even when I hated him I still loved him.

He was really a great guy and a great dad when you got down to it.

No matter what our differences or disagreements with each other I had no doubt that he would always be there for me.

I guess what they say about blood being thicker than water is true.

TBC

Pretender: I agree with your opinion. But Rama might not see it that way. As you say in your review the old people look back and say kids have it so easy. That is sort of what Rama is doing at the end of the chapter. She views their life and problems as insignificant against what troubles she is facing.

_Lenni: Ah, far too true!_

_Reinbeauchaser: Well I sent you the info hope it helps. I don't put it into stories due to ff.nets rule of not having author notes as chapters; they will permit short author notes at beginning or end. And I'm not sure what they classify as such. However I might consider tacking it into my bio under the Rama series order notes._

_Dancingfae: Hope they were good memories and yes no matter what or where you are in life you will have some sort of problems or troubles. It is part of what makes life what it is. I'm making you philosophical? Oh, goody!_


	7. Part Seven

                                       Reflections

Disclaimer: I deny any ownership of any adult or adolescent transformed shadow warrior chelonians.

Chapter Seven:

 Usually I looked forward to my lessons with Sensei, even if the lessons did cover things about training me to be the future leader of the clan. I kind of liked all the different things that it went into and I enjoyed the training for what it was, it was where these lessons were taking me that I had problems dealing with and accepting.

There was so much to learn I wondered how I would ever learn it all or even remember it when I needed to. Worse yet would that information keep me from failing? Somehow I doubted it.

I knew people could make mistakes no matter how careful they were, something unforeseen and totally unexpected could come up out of nowhere. A little insignificant error on one person's part could cause something else to go amiss or awry.

If you didn't believe me just look at the day I was having and you'd know exactly what I was talking about.

In short all the training in the world would never prevent me from making mistakes I knew mistakes only happened to help you learn from them and grow. Making a mistake meant there was room for improvement.

I really had no problem with any of that, except for the fact that I knew in my heart that making a mistake as a jonin could cause trouble for the entire clan.

Natural as mistakes were and could be in day to day life jonins could not afford to be wrong. Any error, any hesitation and you might lose far more than honor. You could lose your nerve, you could lose respect of those who followed you, or you could lose lives. If all life was sacred, then the loss of a ninja, unless the loss brought great honor, was a terrible crime.

Yet today I found myself wanting to escape maybe even skip out of Sensei's lesson but I knew if I did skip out that Sensei would quite literally have my shell. My dad might joke about chucking me out of my shell but Sensei didn't joke about such things.

I just had a strange uneasy foreboding feeling about this evening's lesson. Though I knew I couldn't avoid it either. I didn't know why I felt so gripped by this feeling of dread I all ready had the lecture so there wasn't much to worry about…

Come to think of it maybe there was something to worry about Sensei hadn't disciplined or punished me for my lapse on patrol this morning, perhaps tonight's lesson could very well be my discipline and I knew very well what that could mean.

Essays were probably one of the easiest forms of discipline he dished out, there were other tasks that Sensei was fond of giving like cleaning every weapon, not just cleaning them mind you but polishing them, sharpening blades or points, and oiling the wood all to his specifications in record time.

 Or dusting and alphabetizing our library of books, one had to remove one book at a time fully dust it until the shelf was clear then clean the shelf and replace the books in order and subject. The problem with that chore is no one ever bothered to put them away correctly once it was organized sooner or later you'd end up with books out of order or war books mixed in the fiction area. To make matters worse if you somehow managed to get just one single book out of order Sensei insisted that it had to be done all over again right from the beginning, putting the wrong book in its rightful place just wouldn't do.

Then there was polishing the dojo floor, which I thought was kind of a waste of time considering we did live in a sewer but trust me on this one, you don't dare ever say that to sensei's face.

I did once, only** once** mind you and I'm not going there again!

So that was what I was dreading and what sat like a lead weight in the pit of my gut. I wished I could pick up something from Sensei to give me the slightest hint a bit of a clue as to what I might be in for but I wasn't able to detect a thing from him.

I supposed I would know soon enough and I think I would be just as glad to get it over with.

I knew Sensei's last duty of the day was to give me my lesson, then he could finally spend time with his wife and four children, course he still did patrols but that was usually at night when Karena and the kids were sleeping.

Sensei's other duties were numerous and time consuming so sometimes he delegated some tasks to others in the clan. I knew that he was the one who wrote up the patrol schedules and the training schedules for the ninja lessons, always wanting to hear immediately about any problems in the classroom or topside, ensuring there was no problems that might get out of hand between individuals in the clan because we couldn't afford big battles amongst one another where the family might end up picking sides, teaching lessons of his own, keeping an inventory of food supplies and medical supplies we had on hand, managed to maintain the clans finances the money mostly coming from the so called rent payments all my aunts and Cathy herself paid out of their job earnings.

These were just some of the duties Sensei had to deal with now he was jonin and one day I would be expected to do it as well.

Our clan I knew was different from most ninja clans as in normal ninja clans the low ranked jenin never got to see the head of the clan, only the chunin would deal with the jonin. The chunin was the go between bringing orders to the ninja. So it would be totally unheard of for a jonin to be in battle with the jenin of the clan.

In our clan though the jonin was always available to those under him, and he lead the way into battle until too old to do so. I had heard my dad tell me that Splinter had once joined his sons in many battles until it became dangerous for him. Our clan also did not follow the dictates of seppuku or total banishment we only had each other and the world topside could be a dangerous place and so we had to look out and protect one another.

When the time came for my lesson I steeled myself for whatever was ahead, whatever sensei was going to dish out I could manage it.

Or at least I hoped I could.

I walked into the dojo and bowed low, lower than I normally did, and then made my customary greeting.

He bowed in return greeting me in kind " Rise Kunoichi, I think we need to talk."

I gulped nervously at his words, talk about what subject I wondered my lapse from this morning, all of my misdeeds of late including taking off this morning the way I did, both or none of those?

I didn't know if I wanted to talk about any of that though I had learned that Sensei had his way of making me face the things that I would rather avoid no matter what.

Sensei reached out to gently stroke the side of my face with a hand.

" Ramiela I am well aware that the things you determine to do, you can get right stubborn about and won't be deterred from until you achieve your goal."

I gave a flicker of a smile at his words and saw him arch an eye ridge slightly.

" You can also be very stubborn about things you don't want to do as Don will attest to. You are not at present happy with the honor bestowed on you, and I can understand that but you are acting up in ways that could be endangering others."

I winced dad had said something like this might come up but what did he want from me?

I turned my head away trying to avoid his scowl. I suddenly longed to be anywhere but in front of him.

Somehow I had still ended up dishonouring myself, and my clan in spite of wanting to do anything but. I wanted to turn away in shame and disgrace. I had failed, why was it that seemed to be all I was able to do?

Sensei gave me a tender smile " Ramiela I am aware it is not easy and it is a great deal of responsibility to bear for you" his dark blue eyes were warm and gentle " Do you think that choosing a future jonin is as simple as pulling a name from a hat?"

" I highly doubt that" I scoffed at the very thought, " But I don't know why I was chosen either Sensei" I moaned.

" There are certain things one must look for when choosing a future leader, the rest is molding and training that leader into being who they are meant to be" Sensei explained " Some things that are considered are the spirit of the ninja, certain traits or experiences that allow the jonin to know the ninja is worthy of the title, sometimes it takes long hours of meditation and numerous other requirements."

I was curious to hear all that went into it and had to wonder what other requirements were looked at or considered " Does any ninja meet the entire criteria?"

Sensei chuckled a little and shook his head " I doubt it. One just needs to know and see enough to be sure of the choice that is made. Splinter saw enough in both Raph and I when we were younger but in the end Raph's attitude and behaviour caused him to be passed over."

Sensei was full of surprises today with all I knew about my clan I had never known that Uncle Raphael had once been considered as the future jonin of the clan. That he, might have been, where Sensei was now if things had been different. Somehow I couldn't even picture it.

" Uncle Raphael really?" I asked astounded.

" Really Splinter saw something in him as he saw something worthy in me. Now Splinter has seen something in you too, something he has seen for some time Ramiela."

I had a feeling I knew what he was talking about the Master had two sayings about me, one was I knew far more than I let on.

I had no idea what he meant by that I felt I was far too confused and uncertain most of the time to know much of any thing.

" Splinter also says that you are far more of a ninja at your age then we were at that time." Sensei stated.

That was the Master's other saying I was seventeen and with all I knew about ninjitsu I was still only very much aware of what I didn't know about it. Hell when my dad was my age I was a baby.

" You don't really want to be jonin do you?" Sensei asked suddenly.

I squirmed a bit how could I answer that? If I told the truth I'd hurt him, if I tried to lie to him I would still hurt him and he would know I was lying.

He looked at me expectantly and I realized this wasn't just a hypothetical question that he was bothering to ask me. I had to answer choosing to ignore it wouldn't be allowed.

" Ramiela I want an answer" he said sharply.

I cringed inwardly " No I don't Sensei" I confessed blurting out the words while blinking back tears. I wasn't going to cry not here at any rate, even though I was bitterly aware of how much I must have let him down.

Sensei stared at me calmly " Why not Ramiela?"

" I'm afraid that I will fail and dishonour the clan and the teachings and everything. Its so much Sensei and I…" I paused and took a deep breath " I don't think I will be worthy of it."

Sensei turned and placed his thumbs under my chin raising my head so his eyes could meet mine.

" Then all our training is useless until you are ready to accept it kunoichi, for if you take what we give you, in the place you are at now you **will** surely fail."

I knew it. I was glad he knew it too maybe now he would see the futility in keeping me as the future jonin and I would be spared the unwanted task and title.

I reached out tentatively with my own senses trying to figure out just how disappointed he was in me now that the truth was out. Surprisingly I didn't detect a hint of disappointment in him but that was all right I think I more then made up for it.

Somehow much as I was hoping he would release me from the duty I had a feeling it wasn't going to be that easy.

" From now on kunoichi instead of our lessons you will meditate because as the future jonin you must give your best in everything that you do and you can not be afraid of failing." Sensei informed me briskly as he turned to walk away.

" Sensei you just said that…" I protested. If he knew I was going to fail I couldn't see what meditation would do for me.

Sensei turned back " You are the future jonin Ramiela that can not be changed. The fate of the clan is in your hands and in the choice you make. But I am not going to waste any more of my time until that choice has been reached." He snapped giving me a hard look through narrowed eyes before walking away.

It seemed I was stuck with this though I was doomed to fail. I knew I had failed Sensei and Splinter as it was by even admitting to it but perhaps this small failure ought to be easier to take then the failure of the clan itself.

I highly doubted that all the meditation in the world could change that and yet it seemed that it was my assignment until further notice.

TBC.

Ninjalara: I all ready sent you a separate e-mail on your queries you posed. Hope you enjoy the rest of the story.

Danceingfae: You better believe Mike went through a lot before. You know might be another reflections story dealing with how Mike came to accept Rama as the future Leader. Hmmm, the possibilities. Whether the talk did Rama any good only time will tell.

Pretender: I may put a bit of myself into characters but then again at some point they take on a life of their own.

Lenni: Mikey is well used to Rama by now hence the insight on her. Rama does try her best to be a good sensei. Sorry you forget what you said your memory might not be so bad if I updated quicker but this story just isn't one of those that one can write quickly.

Or I can't write quickly at any rate.

Reinbeauchaser: One can not be timid with Raph's kids or they might just run ya over. And yes the three girls will be I'm sure more than a handful for the couple to deal with. Mike uses his ninja balance for a great deal including dealing with his teenage daughter.


	8. Part Eight

Reflections

Disclaimer: I deny any ownership of any adult or adolescent transformed shadow warrior chelonians.

Author's Note; I only have about one possibly two more chapters on this, not bad for a one shot, and I'm hoping to have it done before I go on vacation. If not well I just might have to see if I can borrow my brother's computer. Thanks one and all for your reviews, this story was so different because it required a lot more thought then what I usually put into a story so much thinking does tend to hurt the head at times. R.

Chapter Eight:

Truth be known I wasn't big into meditation it had its uses I was willing to say that much for it but I did take after my dad when it came to the mental aspects of ninjitsu in other words it wasn't my thing.

I knew though that Sensei usually had a reason for any task that he set me, but I couldn't begin to understand how meditation was supposed to help me with being a jonin when he himself had just finished telling me that I was going to fail as a jonin anyways.

Why would they even want a jonin who was going to fail the clan was beyond me, especially when they could pick someone else for the task. I think Kaliann might do all right as one; it might even come naturally to her as she did take after her dad's temperament and attitude.

I entered the meditation room and lit a few candles before sinking to the mats and assuming the lotus position before trying to clear my mind.

It wasn't an easy task today especially as I had all the problems from earlier today still swimming around my mind along with my doubts and fears. Never mind the questions that continued to plaque me.

Striving for enlightenment was one thing achieving it was another. Just when I thought I was nearing that empty oasis that marked the beginning of any meditation session some stray thought would pop into my mind from out of nowhere as if to say " Look at me! Pay attention to me! I'm here!"

Sensei's voice hard and firm "_Ramiela you must be more alert and take your responsibilities more seriously."_

Splinter's kind gentle tone advising me _" Better to act as well as keep it in mind."_

Cathy's tender reproach _" Listen to yourself Rama your accepting guilt which isn't fully yours."_

Sensei almost teasing, "_You're anything but Normal!"_

Aiden's remark "_Maybe you only think you have to live up to expectations."_

Uncle Raphael informing me _" It's up to you to decide."_

Dad's rebuke from this morning "_You think Leo is going to let you continue in this flagrant disregard of authority?"_

And Sensei's final comment, "_You are the future Jonin Ramiela that can not be changed, the choice is yours."_

These and many other thoughts seemed to impede me on my path to enlightenment. I sighed wistfully wondering what choice was mine; it quite obviously wasn't my choice to be Jonin.

After a good bit of time and perseverance I was able to finally enter a meditative state. Perhaps meditation was exactly what I needed at this point. I could definitely use a little light on the subject and some new insight I was rather tired of chasing the same old thoughts through my mind, or were my thoughts chasing me?

When I finally roused myself I found that some hours had passed, more importantly my mind was a greater deal clearer then when I had started the exercise.

It was as if I had an answer to a great deal of the problems that had come up for me in the day. I wondered if I had been going about my problems in the wrong way allowing them to seem bigger then what they really were. Letting those small nit-picky things that could upset or disturb anyone take hold of me and grow to overwhelming proportions instead of just accepting them and moving on.

I had been longing to be normal, but a ninja wasn't and couldn't be normal they were a cut above, not really governed or ruled by those who held power as the ninja were separate from the Emperor's, or daimyo's rules and dictates. We were not Samurai who followed bushido for a ninja must sometimes go against even the code of the samurai. The sword was the soul of the samurai but a ninja knew that the body and mind was so much more than the sword could ever be. The ninja was not the lowly peasant though he might assume such a role they were far too educated for that.

Uncle Raphael in some ways was right I was normal for a ninja turtle.

Yet I had not fully been following the ninja way and the ninja code for if I had been I would have recalled that everything is change, and reality, in whole or part was only temporary at best. A true ninja knew there was strength in weakness, and that laughter could be power, where _in_ was_ yo_ and innocence was wisdom.

I had forgotten or neglected to remember a great deal of this teaching, as of recently but my meditation had opened the door to a more open mind and thus allowed a different understanding of my present situation and predicament.

I realized in many ways that I wasn't acting the kunoichi that I was supposed to be and my misbehaving of late was setting a bad example for others within the clan.

After all I had been rebelling against not just my dad, but also against Sensei and the Master acting in many ways like I was above reproach or correction, then why could not Aiden act in a similar fashion?

In many ways I realized, much to my regret and dismay that Sensei had been right I was responsible for Aiden slipping away and disregarding my orders I had been doing much the same thing for some time now. He had only followed my example. I shuddered as I realized the full consequences of my actions and what could have been. I truly had been placing myself, and others in harm's way by disregarding the rules.

Still I couldn't deny that there was some worth to what Cathy herself had said we are all responsible for our own actions.

There might be a balance somewhere between those two ends of responsibility and acceptance of it but I had to consider that some more before I would be fully able to say for sure if there was a middle ground or not. Or even if that middle ground would even be of use in a ninja clan.

I looked at my present actions of late and realized that I had been shirking responsibility a great deal, as well as ignoring my duty to the clan and that in turn was affecting the others in the clan as well as the honor our clan had.

I winced with that thought feeling very ashamed and embarrassed that my actions of late had been more like a spoiled two year old demanding " I want, I want. I want!"

Just like that two year old I was reacting to things around me instead of acting. A two year old could react until they learned other ways, it was part of growing but I was supposed to be beyond all that.

The difference between reacting and acting were quite severe if you considered the outcome of both.

Most martial arts schools trained by physical conditioning of the body and technique memorization and I suppose that was all fine in its place. Ninjitsu training worked more on the mind taking it a step further so the ninja also learned qualities of awareness and detachment that were not taught in karate, or any other form of martial art.

Heightened awareness or senses helped the ninja detect certain things that others would miss. Detachment allowed the ninja to almost step back from a situation he was engaged in and look at the whole picture instead of a corner of it, by seeing more he could then do more.

For instance, in a battle instead of concentrating on what your opponent might do, and how you will counter that move. Simply strike a defensive posture and act solely on what he does. You aren't out to BEAT your adversary rather you allow him to make mistakes that will bring about his downfall while, keeping yourself relatively unharmed. You are more open and are more able to guess what his intentions are. The more his mistakes cost him the more determined your opponent will become in defeating you. He reacts, You act.

One must always be in the moment acting over reacting when the mind wanders the quality of one's actions decrease.

Another way of looking at it is say you are learning something new that you are having trouble understanding it is just beyond your grasp. You try it and make a mistake, so you end up focusing on the mistake and you end up making things worse as you continue. If you relaxed for a bit and tried again not worrying about the mistake you would find that you had improved.

_" You have reacted far too much Ramiela, and acted far too little."_ I scolded myself.

I was surprised Sensei hadn't yet taken me in hand and punished me severely for all my misdeeds and general attitude of late.

Course he might be permitting me a little leeway while giving me a chance to adjust to the changes going on around the clan. Perhaps he had only recently decided it was time to rein me in and get me focused once again and back on track, which I knew from experience meant if I didn't get it together soon I was going to be one sorry ninja.

I knew at seventeen I was fully capable of taking on more responsibility only problem was I still didn't know if I wanted the responsibility of jonin.

I had always wanted to be a ninja, even when I was a young child I couldn't dream of being any thing but. I suppose most kids want to become policeman, doctors, or even stranger things like superman or spiderman or some other hero real or imagined.

As far as I was concerned a ninja was the best part of all heroes rolled into one. I mean my family helped uphold the law and save lives, we knew many medical techniques that could help those who were seriously injured or sick. We could climb tall buildings with ease and dodge speeding bullets, we could read minds, and control our environment as well as our bodies, we could use shadows to our advantage appearing and disappearing at will, we could steal with ease, we knew more about potions and poisons then any wizard ever dreamed of, and our enemies lived in fear of us.

Come on who wouldn't want to be a ninja?

Fearless, powerful, and a force to be reckoned with that is what a ninja is. Best of all there was no going over to the dark side either. Now **THAT **is what I'm talking about!

Growing up and seeing what my family did I could only dream of being like them one day a real ninja.

I never doubted any of my training I firmly believed that what Sensei and the Master taught me would help me achieve that goal that I yearned for so badly.

Yet when I had been told about the next challenge awaiting me, I like a craven coward longed to reject it. Even worse, I had all the nerve the outright audacity even to say the Master and Sensei didn't know what they were talking about.

I recalled dad saying that as a teenager I thought I knew it all, but I felt I didn't know enough and the opposite was far more correct, and yet here I was telling the elders of the clan that they were essentially wrong.

I wasn't the jonin, I couldn't be jonin and they didn't know what they were talking about.

I knew in my heart I didn't know it all, not even close sometimes about the only thing I am sure of is how much I don't know and have yet to learn. However I felt I had known enough to decide who was and wasn't the future jonin in our clan.

I had never in my life disrespected my Sensei or Master so greatly as I had with my present actions.

With age came wisdom, wisdom gained through knowledge of things around you, from years of living. Knowledge that, could be passed on so others could benefit from it in their own journeys. I had disregarded all of that and in essence had said I knew better then they did and they ought to listen to me instead of the other way around.

" Oh Sensei, Master Splinter I was so wrong if I had faith enough in you two to turn me into the ninja I am I should have maintained that faith in you to teach me to be jonin. I deserve the beating of my life for this, I literally deserve to be chucked out of my shell." I whispered feeling greatly ashamed for all my disrespect towards them. I felt hot bitter tears burn at my eyes.

The Master was wise beyond the knowledge of books, and in all his wisdom and knowledge he had chosen me as the future leader. He had made the best choice possible for the future of his clan. I was that choice!

I felt sincerely humbled and for the first time honored by it. He had chosen me long before his faculties diminished and I'm sure that if he had seen anything that might make him reconsider he would have done so.

I raised cupped hands over my mouth for a bit and began to rock slightly as the tears started to roll, normally I didn't like to cry, especially openly like this, if I felt the need to cry I would usually do so in my room, but for once I let the tears fall with out worrying over who might see me. I was past caring.

I would put my trust in sensei to form me into a jonin worthy of the clan.

_" You'll fail. You will never be as good as they are. Even your own Sensei said you would fail." _ Came a random thought to mock and torment me.

**Argue for your limitations and sure enough they are yours****.** I countered silently.

If I believed I was going to fail then fail I would. If I had no interest or desire in being jonin then all the training I was given would be for naught. I would not give of myself to the training not accepting the knowledge that was being offered and that alone could bring about the downfall of our clan.

I was wasting both Sensei's and my time by doing so and Sensei didn't have much time to waste, not when he had so many other duties to oversee and care for.

It was no wonder he said what he had, nor was it much of a surprise that he would refuse teaching me until I made my choice, he could devout his time to other things if I wasn't willing to give my best to him, not to mention placing my trust in him.

If I were going to be a proper jonin I would have to give my all to it.

I wanted to do just that though I was still a little afraid of all it included but I knew the best action against fear was to act, not react to it. If I gave my all and did my best then I ought to be able to at least live up to what was expected and handle the challenge before me.

I had to keep in mind that I had not been picked randomly but for a reason, and while I might not know what that reason was I had to believe and keep faith in those who knew the whys.

I slowly got up from the mat stretching a bit, maybe there was more to this meditation thing then I was able to see for I had gained a great deal from this session and felt more at peace then I had for some time.

I was still nervous and uneasy about being jonin but I was sure I could grow into it. I sighed, late, as it was I had to talk to Sensei and make an apology to him as well for my lack of faith and behaviour.

TBC

Author's Note the term in and yo is the Japanese version of yin and yang, all things positive and negative in one aspect. Separate they are two different things but can be combined to make one.

Reinbeauchaser: Ah yes, the eyes of a sensei powerful things and Leo uses them well. Course he might have a problem with a blind person, the look just wouldn't do much good then.

Pretender: Do any of us really know what we want out of life? Sometimes yes it takes falling before flying, sometimes it takes something else but all life is but a journey.

Lenni: Being Jonin takes a lot and Rama is fully aware of that fact, it is partially why she is so afraid of failing.


	9. Part Nine

                                                     Reflections

Disclaimer: I deny any ownership of any adult or adolescent transformed shadow warrior chelonians.

Author's note: I'm being lazy again with my Japanese I didn't feel like translating so anything considered spoken in Japanese will appear like this   .  All that is left after this is a short epilogue, which still needs to be written for now enjoy this. R.

Part Nine

 I found Sensei as I expected spending some quality time with his family and asked to speak with him privately while at the same time begging Aunt Karena's forgiveness for taking her husband away from her.

Sensei must have sensed the urgency to my request for he nodded agreement before excusing himself and gesturing me towards the dojo. Soon as we entered the dojo and I turned to face him I dropped easily to my knees and lowered my upper body until my forehead was almost touching the mats under me.

Forgive my transgressions Jonin, for I have lost the clan much honor and I am an unworthy kunoichi. I thought I was right but I learned through meditation only how wrong I really was. I apologized A great honor was bestowed on me and I found no honor in it. If you would see fit to train me for this honor I promise that I will give my all to the lessons and do my best to be a proper kunoichi and restore the honor I have lost.

You have meditated and found your answers so soon? He asked arching an eye ridge.

I meditated only to learn how wrong I was. How I was not acting or behaving in the true ninja way. I paused and snuck a look at him, I could tell by his stance that he was still waiting for something.

I took a deep breath I accept that I went against the clan's decision shaming both myself, and my clan. I regret my choice deeply. I insisted wincing slightly for I was still embarrassed by my behaviour.

I took a deep breath and continued I acted and behaved as if I was above the elders in this clan, who have brought the clan great honor through their deeds. I set a bad example for others by walking my own path I concluded.

Sensei's face was blank, no sign of having heard me though I knew he was fully aware of every word I had spoken. He had listened as I named my crimes and thus accepted responsibility for them.

I tried my best not to squirm under his cold, hard, unreadable penetrating stare. I knew I had to stay submissive it was not an easy posture to maintain and yet I had to prove that I was contrite and willing to make amends, if he would only permit me to do so.

Is it wrong to want to walk your own path Ramiela? Sensei asked calmly betraying nothing with his words.

For me in this instance yes, and I suppose possibly for any ninja I admitted hesitantly wondering uneasily what he was getting at.

Why?

I scowled at the simple but definitely loaded question If we all followed our own path there would be no clan. A ninja may walk his own path to achieve and assignment but he cannot chose, which assignments he will be given I guessed.

I had no idea if I was right or not. Or if this was one of those questions that could have many right and wrong answers to it. I could only hope that Sensei would approve of the answer I gave.

So you are saying it is wrong to follow your own path? Sensei countered.

I bit my lip, he was after something I just **knew** it but I had no idea what it was!

Perhaps not wrong but it didn't suit me in this situation I realized the path I was on was causing me to make too many mistakes and that which I feared most might end up being inevitable if I continued I explained I have gone astray from the ninja way and I wish to return to it and learn from my mistake.

Ah, I begin to understand you have made a mistake and wish to learn from it.

Yes I agreed, hadn't I been saying that? I licked my lips suddenly wondering what he was planning or what his intentions were because I had a feeling that he had a reason for all of this.

I have said it before and I will continue to maintain that Sensei has a reason for almost everything he does, it is just that I am unable to understand his reasons all of the time. It usually takes me a good deal of thought to figure it out.

Sensei smiled a bit If you learn from your mistake is it then wrong? he hinted.

No it is learning and all learning is knowledge and valuable. But if I went the true ninja way I would have practiced kyo mon from the start.

Sensei smile broadened Sometimes Ramiela one can be told but the young will not heed until they learn themselves. He said tenderly " Rise Kunoichi I am fully aware of the responsibility you must now face and deal with. I know it is a big step and often a scary one for I was once there."

" Only you have been leading for a longer time and were younger when you started. Weren't you afraid Sensei?" I wondered as I rose easily to my feet.

" Yes, I was," he admitted " But I trusted Splinter to teach me what I needed, due to my youth I did have a tendency to go overboard in my authority causing problems."

I grinned a bit " With Uncle Raphael?"

" Mostly" he said a rueful smile on his face.

"I didn't seem to trust you or the Master at all and I should have" I said, " maybe you did better after all."

" Perhaps and maybe we might have to wait and see what sort of leader you become before we fully determine that. After all you are at the age where you are more apt to rebel and that combined with the changes to clan hierarchy was perhaps overwhelming?" he suggested.

" Suffocating" I corrected, " or it seemed that way."

" So tell me Ramiela are you still afraid to fail?"

" Yes" I confessed easily to that fear knowing he would sense the truth even if I tried to hide it. " But standing in one place isn't doing a thing for me. I cannot allow fear to root me to the spot."

I sensed his silent approval to my words and knew that I had pleased him. I had to keep a huge sigh of relief from surfacing.

Sensei turned to face me his blue eyes locked on mine " Do you think you are going to fail?" he demanded quickly.

" I want to do everything I am capable of doing in hopes that I won't fail. If I learn well and follow the dictates of kyo mon and trust in you and the training you give I am prepared then for the challenges that face me."

" What if you do everything in your power and you still fail?" He countered.

I sighed, " Then I guess all I can do then is try to learn from it." I replied uncertain if that was the right answer.

Sometimes Sensei could be very confusing. He had a way of speaking in riddles at times a habit he had learned from the Master.

" That is good because trust me Ramiela there will be times that you will feel that you failed somebody it is inevitable when you are a jonin."

Though his tone was gentle and reassuring I got little comfort from his words.

" I do promise on my word of honor that I will do my best and live up to the ninja code" I vowed fervently and meant it.

" Then you ought to do all right." Sensei replied casually.

A thought came suddenly to my mind and I glanced up at him " Sensei I know this might not be my place to ask this but I was wondering if…well, it sort of just occurred to me…" I took a deep breath.

Sensei gave me a look that said clearly spit it out all ready.

" Could I perhaps take on the duties of chunin?"

Sensei scowled and I detected a quick flow of shock from him, proving my question had caught him off of his guard he hadn't really been expecting it. Truthfully I didn't know if I was really expecting it either but it felt right to me.

" Why ask for that responsibility Ramiela when you will have enough to do with the responsibility you have to learn to be jonin?" he inquired mystified by my request.

" I realize it is more responsibility but when you taught me to fight you didn't just tell me or show me what to do, you had me do it" I began hoping I could fully explain what was going on in my mind. " When you sent me out on patrols you didn't just throw me into it. You let me grow into it while being under supervision."

Sensei nodded " Go on" he urged.

" If I could do the chunin work even some of it, it might help me grow into a better jonin. You were Splinter's chunin and learned from him" I hastened on not quite sure if I was overstepping my bounds on this. " I would learn not only from seeing and hearing but by doing." I finished and winced inwardly expecting him to tell me it wasn't my place to make such decisions as of yet.

Instead Sensei seemed to be actually considering it.

 " You really want to do this?" He finally asked.

" You know me Sensei when I really want to do something just try and stop me" I replied in a half joking way.

Sensei laughed, " Ah Ramiela, Splinter was so right to pick you."

I shrugged slightly " I don't get it. Course I don't know why I was picked any ways" I grumbled a bit, " But if the Master picked me he did so for a reason and that is enough."

" It is different things about you that had you picked, your stubbornness being one of those traits." Sensei stated, " your dedication especially when you fail. You become more determined to achieve your goal. You are quick and eager and very intelligent but no one can make you do something you have no intention of doing."

" I thought that was a bad thing. Geesh, I got in enough trouble for it when I misbehaved in school for Uncle Donatello." I had suffered numerous punishments just for that!

" Yes Ramiela and yet we haven't broken you of it so you might as well put it to some use" Sensei mocked his eyes seeming to dance.

" I'd have to use it as a jonin?"

" In some situations yes. A leader must sometimes make a very difficult choice between doing something very dishonourable or maintaining honour at all costs."

" That is easy honour is everything so of course maintain honour." I grinned at the simplicity of that.

" Yes, but what if there are innocent people who might die if you do not do the dishonourable thing?"

" You are talking blackmail that is dishonourable" I grouched.

Sensei gave a wry grin " I'm sure you are fully aware not everyone is honourable."

I nodded grimly " I guess that makes it even more difficult" I admitted, " to allow them to be killed would be dishonourable but to do the deed is also dishonourable. I suppose it all depends on what you are asked to do."

" Then it gets trickier because if these people have no honour how can you be sure they will obey the agreement after all, once they see you are willing to give in to them they have gained power over you." Sensei explained.

I groaned for something that had seemed so simple it had now grown into something that was confusing. It had grown into a situation where no matter what you did you couldn't win or at least it seemed that way to me.

" So what am I suppose to do in those situations then Sensei?"

" That you will learn and when you do learn you might realize you have more options open and available to you then what you can think of at this moment" he assured me.

" It will be up to me though to decide which options to use." I declared.

" True enough, but your training ought to be able to show you what option is best for the circumstances at hand.

There is a balance Ramiela and you will learn about it more. You will also learn the fine art of negotiation and much more" Sensei said.

It seemed like an awful lot to learn and a big responsibility on top of that but I was ready to put my faith in sensei's teachings knowing he had not failed me yet.

" So can I be chunin?" I asked a bit hesitantly

" Let me think on it Ramiela. You all ready have quite a few responsibilities. I need time to consider before letting you know."

" All right Sensei."

Sensei reached out pulling me into a hug and kissed my forehead " You are going to do all right and I am very proud of you Ramiela" he told me sincerely.

I believed him.

TBC

Kyo Mon – Is the word ninja use for lessons that can't be learned from a book. They are life experiences that might help a ninja in a dangerous situation that he might find himself in; this was quite common when one realizes that ninja were often sent to unfamiliar places on assignment.

So the ninja used word of mouth passed on from generation to generation to enhance these valuable life lessons.

Pretender: As you can see by the definition of Kyo mon there are different types of wisdom and knowledge. Also Rama while living in New York has been raised with a lot of Eastern society ways and beliefs. The Japanese and Chinese people and many other Eastern cultures hold their seniors in great respect and believe that the elders have great wisdom to impart to the younger generations. They are less likely to put their Seniors in a home or ignore or neglect them in the way many people in our society tend to do.

Lenni: If you can't tell me why you liked it I can't help you. However I'm glad you did enjoy it.

Reinbeauchaser: far too true I know a certain singer once said in one of her songs " That sometimes standing still is the best move you can make." Well sometimes the opposite is also true as Ramiela has learned and with learning comes growth.

Danceingfae: Rama is learning and growing but she has much to learn before she becomes jonin.


	10. Epilogue

                                       Reflections

Disclaimer: I deny any ownership of any adult or adolescent transformed shadow warrior chelonians.

Author's Note: Well I am going post this before I disappear for my vacation for two weeks, which means fans probably won't get much from me for the next two weeks other then the story Reinbeauchaser and I are doing that is, which could give fans their Rama fix if they are really desperate.

Thanks all for the reviews.

Epilogue:

 " I don't get it Rama, Why would you go asking Leo for more responsibility after all the fuss you created about being picked as the future jonin?" Dad inquired giving me a sidelong glance.

He was at the present moment mixing up a large batch of pastry dough some of it would be used in dinner tonight the rest was to be used for berry turnovers for dessert.

" You know me dad I just** love** confusing you" I replied cheerily, " When I have driven you completely and utterly insane then I know I have done my job right and I can retire a success." I joshed playfully.

" Retire a nuisance more like it" Dad countered.

" I'm all ready that" I reminded him, " What's a matter memory going on you old man?"  
Dad turned and gave me a pained look his voice edged with worry and concern as he spoke next " Why Rama?"

It was his tone and that look which really hit me. One of these days I just might figure out why he felt he had to be so protective of me when I was fully capable of caring for myself.

I guess he really couldn't help it maybe all the weird things that had happened to me in my youth had caused him to become overprotective and he just couldn't help it now. I supposed I ought to get used to it, as I doubted very much, that he would be changing any time soon.

I turned back to my present chore husking all the corn for dinner before helping dad make the dessert. Dad meanwhile was rolling out the pastry dough to lay the hamburger meat on it for hamburger roll ups.

I looked down at my hands as they quickly stripped the green leaves off and peeled all the fuzzy strands with it.

" I think it will really help me dad besides Uncle Donatello has better things to do and I doubt Uncle Raphael would want the duties fully on himself." I shrugged, I had a feeling that Sensei would have preferred Uncle Donatello as a fulltime chunin, but with him doing teaching of school basics there was just no way he could do it all.

" Rama it is going to be hard enough learning to be jonin," Dad protested as he rolled up the pastry around the meat.

I cut him off " I realize that dad but as a future jonin I ought to be aware of certain details and I might learn those details better this way" I explained. I paused and smiled up at him " Come on have a little faith in me all right dad?"

Dad made a soft snort " Well Leo hasn't agreed to it yet" he mumbled almost hopefully.

" No" I groaned softly wondering if that would be good or bad news for me, " Doesn't matter though because if he won't do it I'll ask Uncle Raphael to teach me what he can" I said determinedly.

" Rama the decision of the clans business is…"

" For the Jonin alone to determine. I'm aware of that dad but if I am going to give my best to the clan in the future it might be worth training me this way." I insisted trying to keep from rolling my eyes in frustration at him. " Trust me!"

" Suddenly I am very worried" Dad said giving me a mock scowl.

" It will be all right," I vowed.

Dad gave a sad wistful little smile and a slow almost regretful shake of his head " Just look at you so old and mature for your years and turning into a beautiful woman. How did I ever get so lucky to have a daughter like you?"

I shrugged uneasily feeling suddenly embarrassed at his words " Yeah right," I couldn't help but scoff, " most of the time you can't stand to be around me."

Dad gave a little laugh " Other way sweetheart" he corrected. " Though I have to admit you weren't as bad as you were even a few years back. Your hormones must be starting to settle down as you become an adult."

" An adult as in an old fogey like you? **Never."** I proclaimed.

" Age is relative Rama."  
" No you are relative, age is irrelevant" I retorted word play could be a wonderful thing.

Kaliann came into the kitchen and announced " Ramiela dad wants to see you in the meditation room."

I gulped nervously somehow knowing this was it sensei had finally made his decision after three days, and for some inexplicable reason I felt suddenly nervous.

A strange thought popped into my head _" What if he decided against it?"_

I sighed it really didn't matter I would find some other way even Sensei himself had noted that it was one of my many traits that had caused Splinter to choose me as the future jonin in the first place.

I turned and washed my hands at the kitchen sink quickly " Thanks Kaliann."

She nodded absently as she watched dad " Mmmm, berry turnovers my favourite. Can I help please?"

" Sure thing" Dad acknowledged her request " Well, what are you hanging around here for Rama you asked for this. So make like a ninja and disappear," He told me kindly " after all it is not good to keep your Sensei or the jonin waiting and Leo happens to be both."

I left the kitchen cutting across the living room and down the juncture of pipes that lead to the dojo, playground and meditation room as well as Splinter's bedroom.

I tapped lightly on the door and entered bowing low to greet Sensei in the customary fashion and way.

As usual I could pick up nothing from him, not a hint or a clue of any kind to warn me what I was in for. Sensei was very good at masking his intentions.

_Patience _I counseled myself.

" Ramiela you are fully aware that I didn't have to consider you request for you had no right to step out of bounds in the way you did" his tone was slightly sharp.

I gulped trying to keep from fidgeting or trembling.

" You vowed to act a proper kunoichi then you go **assuming** that you know better once again."

I winced inwardly as I realized the truth of that statement. I really had done it again and I hadn't meant to, it just made so much sense to me that I couldn't help it and I acted on impulse instead of thinking things through.

I knew I really had no right to the honor or duties of chunin and that the jonin's decision was final.

Sensei smiled and it softened his features a bit " However your request did have merit and in spite of, often, your improper behaviour and attitude your one desire is to bring and maintain honor in the clan" his tone was lighter and warmer now " a very good incentive for a ninja."

I grasped quickly to this hoping it would play out the way I wanted it too, I didn't think Sensei would tease me by leading me to believe there was a chance only to yank it away from me.

" I figured that I would want you properly trained however, which means I don't want Raphael teaching you." He smirked a bit as he said the last bit.

I gave him my wide eyed innocent stare " Would I do that?" I asked sweetly laying one hand against my plastron.

Sensei just gave me a pointed stare but didn't even bother answering " In return I want your full willingness and no complaints" he paused and arched both eye ridges as next he spoke, " remember what they say about being careful what you wish for you might get it."

" I am ready for the challenge Sensei."

He cupped his hands around my chin and raised my head to meet his eyes.

" I warn you that it will be a challenge, but I know you will do well Kunoichi."

I grinned relieved that I was going be taught the way I was hoping to be. I was fully determined to live up to the challenge of learning both to be chunin and later jonin.

I wasn't exactly sure of how Sensei planed on getting me there but I at least knew where I was going and I knew I had the perfect guide for the journey I was about to undertake.

The End.

Lenni: Glad you enjoyed it.

Reinbeauchaser: Another visit? I wish it were only that easy. Rama plans on coming with me on my vacation. Again! Oh well my little muse better do her job. She is fictional right? Sometimes I have to wonder about that.

Pretender: It is funny what a healthy dose of ninja training and humility can do to a person even a bratty teenager. And yes I certainly plan on having a great vacation as long as Rama doesn't drive me insane that is. Ah well it is a short trip.

Thanks one and all.


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